Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Opportunity Cost of A Rivalry Game: One Rhodes Scholarship

This Saturday is a big day for current Yale quarterback Patrick Witt. On Saturday, the Harvard Crimson will march down from Cambridge to play Yale in "The Game". The Yale-Harvard rivalry is the second oldest in college football, dating all the way back to 1875. To say the game means a lot to both of these storied universities is an understatement. Testament to that fact is Witt's decision to forgo his Rhodes Scholarship interview in Atlanta for an opportunity to play in the biggest game of his life.

It was roughly to weeks ago that Witt found out that he had been selected as a finalist for the prestigious award that is given for postgraduate study at the University of Oxford. The final set of interviews for the scholarship are to be held in Atlanta at 8 am this Saturday, which left the Yale quarterback with a tough decision. Do you pass up an opportunity to pursue graduate studies at possibly the best university in the world in favor of playing perhaps the biggest football game of your career? For Witt, the answer was easy.

Patrick Witt transferred from the University of Nebraska after his sophomore season because he wanted to attend a more academically rigorous institution. The senior history major sports an excellent 3.91 gpa and has received nothing but praise from coaches and teammates. His decision to remain with his team is one of the most selfless acts I have seen by a collegiate athlete. Patrick Witt has forsaken personal advancement and gain in order to support his teammates, fans and university. His decision may seem foolish to some, but not to Patrick. His one saving grace is that he can apply again for the Rhodes Scholarship as eligibility for the award does not expire until applicants turn 24 years of age. Is his decision worthwhile? Guess we will find out on Saturday.

Friday, November 11, 2011

The Florida Marlins Team Store Is In Clearance Mode And I'm Buyin'

At about 9 pm EST this evening, the Florida Marlins will be no more. The team is holding a gala in Miami tonight to unveil the teams shiny new logo and uniforms. Miami native Pitbull will be performing, so you know the team really pulled out all the stops for this one. I will be sad to see the death of the turquoise and black, but alas, artifacts and remnants of this storied franchise still lives on in the clearance section of the Marlins team shop. Here are a few of the highlights:

Florida Marlins Long Sleeve Baby "Creeper" by Soft As A Grape
Was: $18.99
Now: ONLY $12.97!

Lil' Teammate Party Animal Figurine
Was: $9.99
Now: ONLY $5.97!

Marlins Garden Gnome
Was: $24.99
Now: ONLY $14.97!

24 Karat Gold Leather Bound Baseball (w/glass case)
Was: $289.99
Now: ONLY $190.97!

Florida Marlins ProToast Toaster
Was: $34.99
Now: ONLY $21.97!

You guys, at these prices, it's like they are basically GIVING IT AWAY!!! I am not embarrassed to say that I just racked up a $58.67 tab at the Marlins team store (shipping and handling included). Thirty years from now, my $21.97 toaster will be a collectors item that will probably fetch somewhere in the neighborhood of $3.5 - 4.5 million. Those dudes from Pawn Stars will literally be salivating over something like this. I implore each and every one of you to stop by the Marlins team store today and buy a little piece of history.

Florida Marlins

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

My Second Favorite MLB Team Now Has The First Best Uniforms In Pro Sports

Guess who's back. Back again. Baby's back. Tell a friend.

Oh what a glorious day this is!!! I have made it well known in the past that the Florida Marlins (soon to be Miami Marlins as of November 11) are my second favorite team in baseball. They are one of the greatest anomalies in sports. They routinely have no talent, no money, no fans, and yet every seven or eight years they wind up winning the World Series. In the past, they have been able to pull off such feats with shrewd mid-season deals pulled off by their front office and a scouting department that ranks among the best in Major League Baseball.

All of that is about to change this year. No, it's not the bright, shiny new stadium that is soon to be completed in downtown Miami. No, it's not the fact that owner Jeffrey Loria appears poised to ACTUALLY spend some money this offseason on free agents such as Jose Reyes, Prince Fielder, and Ryan Madson. It is none of these things. The thing that is poised to catapult the Marlins into the upper echelons of professional baseball is there new uniforms, which leaked earlier today.

Awhile back, I did a post on some mock-ups for the new Miami Marlins uniforms, but they all comparison to what has actually come to fruition. The home, away, and alternate uniforms have all adopted a rainbow style color scheme for the lettering and numbering. Not since the 1980's Nuggets rainbow cityscape uniforms has their been such majesty to great professional sports apparel. The orange alternates seem to be an homage to the Miami Hurricanes and the black fourth unis offer excellent color balance against the white and gray primaries.

I am actually giddy at the promise of seeing Hanley Ramirez and Logan Morrison taking the field in these uniforms next season. On November 11th, when the new logos will be officially presented to the world, I will be the first in line to order the new hat, shirt, uniform, and every other piece of crapulence that you can find at the MLB team shop. Hell, I am trying to buy a replica of their new stadium's outfield centerpiece if I get the chance (see below). ¡Viva los Marlins! ¡Viva Miami!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

My 5 Favorite People to Follow On Twitter

Fuck Facebook. I think we can all agree on that point. Twitter is the new frontier where caution can still be thrown to the wind because our parents have yet to hop on the bandwagon. There is something rather quaint about being able to express yourself in 140 characters or less. Some people are better at it than others. Here are a few of my faves:

Alec Sulkin aka @thesulk aka your angsty Jewish uncle

Lauren Caltagirone aka @MrsRupertPupkin aka my future ex-wife

Diplo aka @diplo aka Diplo

Julieanne Smolinkski aka @BoobsRadley aka the babe genius

Ian Nunley aka @babyianpotpie aka the handsome shameless self-promoter

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

A List of the Wave of NBA Players Heading Overseas

The NBA lockout still appears to have absolutely no end in sight, and every day more and more are fleeing the NBA ranks to head overseas. No superstar has fully committed to moving elsewhere, but plenty of buzz has surrounded the likes of Kobe Bryant, Kevin Durant, and Dwight Howard. Here is a list of some of the prominent names that have already declared to play elsewhere for at least part of the upcoming season:

Leandro Barbosa (Toronto Raptors) - Flamengo (Brazil), one year deal w/opt out
Nicolas Batum (Portland Trail Blazers) - SLUC Nancy (France), one year deal w/opt out
DeJuan Blair (San Antonio Spurs) - Krasnye Krylya (Russia), one year deal w/opt out
Wilson Chandler (Denver Nuggets) - Zhejiang Guangsha (China), one year deal w/no opt out
Jordan Farmar (New Jersey Nets) - Maccabi Tel-Aviv (Israel), one year deal w/opt out
Rudy Fernandez (Dallas Mavericks) - Real Madrid (Spain), one year deal w/opt out
Danilo Gallinari (Denver Nuggets) - Olimpia Milano (Italy), one year deal w/opt out
Acie Law (Golden State Warriors) - Partizan Belgrade (Serbia), one year deal w/no opt out
Ty Lawson (Denver Nuggets) - Zalgiris Kaunas (Lithuania), one year deal w/opt out
J.R. Smith (Denver Nuggets) - Shanxi (China), one year deal w/no opt out
Sasha Vujacic (New Jersey Nets) - Anadolu Efes (Turkey), one year deal w/no opt out
Deron Williams (New Jersey Nets) - Besiktas (Turkey), one year deal w/opt out

If the lockout does not extend for an entire season, the Denver Nuggets and New Jersey Nets could be in a world of hurt with all of their players locked into contracts with no opt out. Word also came out today that Virtus Bologna of Italy has extended an offer to Kobe Bryant that would pay him $600k per game.

Monday, September 19, 2011

The Nike Air Mag Is Worth More Than Your Life

Last night marked the end of the Nike Air Mag eBay free for all, and as expected, the shoes managed to bring in quite a bit of dough for Michael J. Fox and his foundation. A grand total of 1,500 pairs of the shoes were created and placed on eBay for auction. As of last week, the shoes were being snatched up for anywhere from $3,500-$10,000.

However, a live auction was held in Hollywood last week to sell off one pair of the Back To The Future II inspired kicks, and the shoes managed to pull in $37,500. The buyer was British rapper Tinie Tempah, a self-professed "sneaker head". All proceeds generated from this auction and the eBay auctions, will go directly to the Michael J. Fox Foundation to Fight Parkinson's.

The specs of the Nike Air Mag are pretty impressive. The shoes were designed by Tinker Hatfield, who helped design the original shoe models that were used in the original Back To The Future II movie. The shoes have been designed to be exact replicas of the ones used for the movie, save for the self-lacing feature. Hatfield and his fellow creators made several attempts to make the self-lacing feature a reality, but in the end all methods proved to be impractical. The shoe's rechargeable LED lighting and electroluminescent "Nike" panel on the strap carry a five hour glow per charge.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Thursday, September 15, 2011

U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

If you actually know me, then you should know by now that the Rugby World Cup is going on right now in the lovely country of New Zealand. If you don't, then you are probably not my friend. Earlier today the United States clashed in a battle versus Russia and managed to come away with a 13-6 victory. The win over Russia marks only the third win in RWC for the United States.

American scrumhalf Mike Petri proved to be the difference maker in the match, scoring the game's lone try in the 18th minute after a beautifully executed pass from inside center Andrew Suniula. This victory comes on the heels of a tremendous American effort put forth in their 22-10 loss against Ireland. No one in their right mind expected the United States to pull out a victory against strong Shamrock side, but the relative closeness of the score shows that USA rugby is on the up and up. Next up for the American side is an incredibly tough bout against the Wallabies of Australia, a team that was within two points of making the semifinals at the 2007 Rugby World Cup in France. The USA Eagles will then finish up pool play against a scrappy Italian side.

The United States will need more than their fair share of help in order to finish in the top two of their group (USA, Ireland, Australia, Italy, Russia) and advance to the quarterfinals, but hope still exists. They will have to win out against Australia and Italy, rack up several tries in the process, while simultaneously hoping that mountains of poor fortunes fall upon the Shamrocks and the Wallabies. Should all of that fall into place, the Eagles might be looking at a spot in the quarterfinals. Dare to dream.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Lil Bearz and Girl Def Fux Wit It

Rating The Miami Marlins New Uni Mock-Ups

Major League Baseball announced that my second favorite team in all the land, the South Beach Marlins of the Greater Miami Florida Metropolitan Area, will open up the 2012 season showcasing their brand new stadium. The Marlins, who will be known as the Miami Marlins starting in 2012, have yet to address whether or not the team will have new uniforms to go along with the new moniker. This hasn't stopped a number of fans from putting together their own ideas and visual mock-ups for new uni ideas. Here are a few:

Here is one of the first mock-ups that I came across. Keeps the general turquoise, black and grey/white color scheme that I have always been a big proponent of. I like the home and away jerseys, but that alternate all turquoise getup could go downhill in a hurry. It could only be saved with similar turquoise pants and cleats, kinda like how the Royals used to do with their solid powder blues. I have already copyrighted the "Blue Streak" nickname, so don't any of you fuckers try and steal my shit.

This is probably my favorite of the designs I came across. Keeps the old color scheme and I'm actually pretty into what this artist has done with the hats, even if he is basically just ripping off the old Minnesota Twins "M" script logo that they used. The home jersey looks especially fresh to death and I really like the script used on the "Miami" logo with an underscore. Well done.

Obviously I must follow up my favorite jersey prototype with the ugliest and most garish one of all time. I'm gonna go ahead and venture a guess that this artist is a big fan of the U. This uniform literally looks like vomit on cotton. To top it all off, lets throw some fucking orange pinstripes on this thing for good measure. Good googly moogly, nothing about this uniform is okay by any stretch of the imagination.

In case you were curious, this hate actually already does exist on MLB.com as part of their promotion tying in teams with local colleges and their colors. Ok, I might actually buy this.

Apparently the good people of Miami are the least creative human beings on the planet. While this mock up is much, MUCH better than the green and orange clusterfuck, it still just basically rips the Miami Dolphins orange and turquoise color scheme and places it ever so gently on a baseball uniform. Also, that orange brim on that hat is atrocious. If you are going to go for garish, go for the solid color uniform (i.e. first mock up alt jersey). A little splash of color here just doesn't do it for me. Go for 100% ugly or don't go at all.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Back For The Future

Michael J. Fox and Nike are going to single handily cure Parkinson's by unleashing the Air Mag upon the world. Oh what a glorious day!!!!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Punters Are Not Athletes, or The Lying Lies of Armchair Quarterbacks

A plethora of people, NFL players included, seem to think that being a punter requires little more than the ability to take three steps and boot a ball towards an opponents end zone. In fact, former UCLA Bruin and current Minnesota Vikings punter Chris Kluwe publicly debated this point with former NFL tight end Nate Jackson on Deadspin earlier this summer. Not only did Kluwe eloquently and emphatically detail the identical routines and activities that a punter goes through on a weekly basis for game preparation, he outlined perfectly the true value of punting in today's NFL. As a former punter myself, I am here to provide video proof as to the athleticism and beauty of the punting game.

Yes, it is true that no punter will probably ever be Ray Lewis, Troy Polamalu, or Barry Sanders, but they aren't exactly pushovers either.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

The League of Extraordinary 30 Rock

[Click Image to Enlarge]

Alex Ross, noted American comic book illustrator and painter, did a little crossover by casting characters from 30 Rock into members of The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Needless to say, this is dope.

Monday, August 22, 2011

Terrelle Pryor Is Bringing His Face Palming Talents To Oakland

You know how some days you just wake up, roll out of bed, and have a certain intuition that today is just gonna be really super? I had one of those feelings this morning. I woke up around 7:30 am, did my typical morning ball scratching and perusing of Deadspin, and I just had this feeling that today was going to be a most exceptional day. On my drive to work, I did my usual routine of listening to drive time sports talk radio. 99 times out of 100 I will be listening to Jim Rome, but he is currently on vacation so I forced myself to listen to the ear drum busting voice of Colin Cowherd. This morning Colin discussed how ESPN's Adam Schefter reported from Terrelle Pryor's pro day that a lot of teams view him as a great athlete with atrocious passing accuracy. I don't know why, but the combination of "quarterback" and "atrocious pass accuracy" are probably words that any NFL prospect does not want to hear in the same sentence. As he was finishing his typical 10 am sign off, Cowherd made a quick fleeting joke about how the Raiders will probably end up being the ones to take Pryor in the supplemental draft later in the morning. I giggled to myself at the hilarity of what Colin has just said. I figured, only in a dream world would something so magical happen.

Not more than about 30 or 45 minutes later, I check ESPN and low and behold, the Oakland Raiders nabbed Pryor with the 18th pick in the 3rd round of the Supplemental Draft. Since that moment, I have ceased to stop grinning from ear to ear. Not only did the Raiders end up taking Pryor, they used a THIRD ROUND PICK TO DO SO. From everything else I had heard, no one was even considering taking him with anything higher than a 5th round choice. God bless you, Al Davis. I hope that one day clubhouse attendants are forced to pry your dead, cold handed corpse away from your desk due to the fact that everyone just realized you've actually been dead for the past fifteen years.

Rumor has it that the team may want to try and use Pryor as a wide receiver or tight end. I say, good luck with that. I am sure the Raiders will look into trading for Time Tebow soon too to do something fairly similar. This is just the little icing on the cake after my 49ers pulled out a 17-3 victory over the Raiders this past Saturday (Which is probably the last time the two teams will EVER play one another in an exhibition game due to the two shootings that took place in the parking lot after the game. Apparently these two teams don't like each other. Who knew?)

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Getafe FC: Using Suicidal Koalas and Sperm Bank Pornos To Sell Season Tickets Since 2011

You may or may not remember a short time ago when I posted a new commercial from La Liga side Getafe FC, in which a koala is show trying to commit suicide in a number of ways. I think the commercial was supposed to be some sort of convoluted allegory for "Tomorrow is a brighter day" or something like that. Here is the video:

Well, it turns out the head honchos at Getafe may have gone and one upped themselves. Here is their newest commercial, in which they use sperm bank porn in order to try and sell season tickets:

Getafe is quickly becoming my absolute favorite La Liga side. What they lack in skill in talent on the field, they more than make up for in fucking awesome commercials. I can't tell if the advertising people that they are hire are crazy, geniuses, or crazy motherfucking geniuses.

Friday, August 12, 2011

The WORST Worst Rap Video of All Time

Sorry kids, there is room for only one PA in this world, and that is Palo motherfucking Alto. Also, anyone that actually pays for this song on iTunes needs to be shot post haste. Furthermore, am I crazy or does the Chromeo dude make an appearance at 6:04?

Thursday, August 11, 2011

This One Goes to 11: The Pagani Huayra

"Good googly moogly, that thang is juicy" tend to be the first words that come to mind when you see pictures and specs for the new Pagani Huayra. At roughly 3,000 lbs., the Huayra is one of the lightest supercars in its class, able to go 0-60 mph in 3.5 seconds with its Mercedes-AMG V-12 bi-turbo engine. That kind of machinery carries roughly 700 horsepower. That's roughly 130 more horsepower than the newest line of Lambourghuini Gallardo's. The Italian-made Pagani does not come cheap, featuring a price tag of roughly $1 million. You also won't be seeing this car in the United States until at least 2013. Federal safety regulators denied Pagani a safety exemption for 2012 due to the manufacturer's failure to include child-safe advanced airbags. I'm sorry, but if a child goes anywhere near the inside of this thing, the parent should be shot. Pagani's Italian plant features only 60 employees, so very low numbers of the car are produced every year. At most, five were to be sold in the United States on a yearly basis. A Pagani spokeswoman stated that the manufacturer will look to improve its safety standards in time to break the American market by 2013. Don't worry, I am sure the NHTSA will find some way to ruin all the fun again about a year from now.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

The Best Worst Rap Video of All Time

I really don't even know where to begin with this one. A small part of me thinks this is all one big joke, but a large part of me wants to believe that this guy is fully legit. I think my favorite part of this entire video is the fake smoke that seems to be billowing from his mouth as he raps into the studio mic. Of course he's from Jersey!!! Keep doin' your thing A. Samuels. Keep livin de life.

Monday, August 8, 2011

The Best MLB Promotional Night In History

If nothing else, this is one helluva promotional poster. On Tuesday, August 9th, the San Francisco Giants will be holding Grateful Dead Night at AT&T Park. The night will feature performances by a number of Grateful Dead tribute bands and original members of the band will be in attendance to throw out the first pitch. One thing I am a little confused by, is Bill Walton being a part of singing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" during the 7th inning stretch. I know Walton is a huge Deadhead and has attended over 650 Dead shows in his lifetime, including their 1978 show in Egypt playing in front of the pyramids, but the last thing I want to hear is Walton's annoying rasp playing over some giant loudspeakers. To compensate, every fan in attendance will be given a special limited edition "Dancing Bears" collectible statue, complete with two tabs of acid taped to the underside. Who knows, maybe Madison Bumgarner will even drop a tab before taking the mound and try and pull an old Dock Ellis no hitter type of performance. The Giants will be hosting the Pittsburgh Pirates that night so that probably wouldn't be too difficult.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Puff Daddy Jr. Is A Halfway Decent Cornerback

Some of you may know Shawn "Diddy" Combs. I don't know much about him, but apparently he is a hip hop mogul, television personality, and background dancer in Biggie Smalls' music videos. Apparently, his son is a halfway decent college football prospect. Heading in to his senior year at Iona Prep (N.Y.), Justin Combs was fielding offers from a number of low level and mid major programs. However, after participating in some high level 7 on 7 camps this summer, he is starting to garner the attention of bigger name institutions such as the University of Illinois and the University of Virginia among others according to Yahoo! sports. Following in the footsteps of his daddy, it seems he enjoys hitting wide receivers with a little bump bump bump.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

The New Winnipeg Jets Logos Are Pretty Awesome

Now this is what I am talking about. The new Winnipeg Jets logos are clean, crisp and tidy. The color scheme harkens back to the old Jets logo, but still left plenty of room for new form and design. They are a definitive upgrade over those ghastly red, orange and yellow clusterfuck logos used by the team when they were still the Atlanta Thrashers. There is nothing flashy or super ornate about them, but they are pretty stellar pieces in my book. Congrats Winnipeg, now all you have to do is try and bring the Stanley Cup back to Canada for the first time since 1993. Good luck.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

El Rumor Mill

My sources tell me...

  • I HAVE URGENT AND BREAKING NEWS: FANTASY FOOTBALL IS BACK! On Monday morning, the fantasy football games featured on the websites ESPN, CBS Sportsline, and Yahoo! reached an agreement with nerds across American on a new 10 year collective bargaining agreement that will secure another decade of inane trash talking and asinine trade proposals amongst friends. Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Tamba Hali was quoted as saying, "This deal means a lot to us players. Now we finally have something to play for. This is a great day for us".

  • Negotiations with draft picks and free agents officially began this morning, and a number of undrated rookies have already signed on with teams including former U. Delaware QB Pat Devlin (Miami Dolphins) and Boston College LB and cancer survivor Mark Herzlich (New York Giants). The NFL has also already made a big splash signing, inking Eddy Curry to a four year deal to replace the Goodyear Blimp as fly over entertainment during games.

  • A number of teams will have QB drama heading into the new season, but none may be more absurd than the predicament in Cincinnati with Carson Palmer. Palmer has dug in his heals, demanding a trade from the Bengals, stating that he would rather retire than play for the team again. Bengals owner Mike Brown has routinely denied Carson's demands, stating that if Palmer wants to walk away from the $40 million remaining on his contract, retirement is his only option. This situation reminds me a lot of the showdown at the O.K. Corral, except replace guns and cowboys with caviar and douche bags.
  • It's late July and that means it's time for the MLB trade stove to turn on the afterburners. One of the hottest names on the market right now is New York Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran, who is hitting the cover off the ball right now and has been steadily improving offensively as the season progresses. Beltran has credited his revival this season, at the age of 34, to better offseason conditioning and his new bff Victor Conte. Here is a picture of Beltran showing off his bod at a recent post-game press conference:
  • Another name that has been bountied about on the trade market lately is Oakland A's outfielder Coco Crisp. Crisp has been having a fairly productive year batting .270 with 27 stolen bases already. One of the teams in hottest pursuit of Coco has been the Boston Red Sox, not so much because they need another outfielder, but because the "Dice-K Loves Coco" headlines are just too easy and good to pass up.
I wonder if these two will have Titty Tuesday and Thong Thursday on their Twitter too. Spicy!!
  • The Seattle Mariners have now lost 16 games in a row but they play in Seattle so no one seems to have really noticed and/or cared.
  • The NBA lockout has afforded players a lot of free time this offseason to hang out and experiment with local rec leagues and overseas options. For instance, Deron Williams has already inked a deal with Besiktas of Turkey should the lockout last long and Kevin Durant and Brandon Jennings have both spent part of the summer playing in L.A.'s Drew League. Other players, such as the Philadelphia 76er's Spencer Hawes, have spent their summer experimenting with bad haircuts:

  • It's summertime which means many major European teams are starting to kick off their pre-season exhibition games against competition from all over the world. Teams such as Barcelona, Real Madrid, Manchester City, Everton and Manchester United have toured around the United States and other places to help get new players integrated into systems and to get fit for the upcoming season. New Arsenal defender Carl Jenkinson made a tremendous first impression on his teammates by scoring this mind bogglingly impressive own goal in a exhibition against Bundesliga side FC Koln. Arsene must be so proud of his young lad!

p.s. This is The Hinrich Maneuver's 200th blog post. I just want to thank everyone for humoring me and taking the time to read this asinine drivel every once in awhile. It makes me happy in the pants region. I love you all....especially you Malaysia!! :-*

Friday, July 22, 2011

The Worst Ceremonial First Pitchers Of All Time

Sixty feet, six inches. That is all that separates a pitcher's mound from home plate. You'd think it would be fairly simple for most people to get a baseball from point A to point B. I'm not expecting them to fire a 95 mph fast ball right down the heart of the plate, I just mean simply getting the ball reasonably close to its intended target. However, for many this is a task on par with trying to get Eddy Curry down to under 300 lbs. It is futile.

The opening pitch is a ceremonial gesture that allows teams to celebrate a bunch of local shmucks, and on the oft occasion, a retired player or celebrity. It offers a moment in the spotlight and the opportunity to showcase one's talents with a ball and mitt. Sometimes the ball flies directly into the catcher's mitt, sometimes it takes a bounce off to the side, and sometimes it goes sailing off into the stratosphere. Here are a few of the most awesome and egregious opening pitches of all time:

The "Most Effective and Surprising Use of the Power Stance" Award

Lee Jung Hyun

The "Stick To Your Day Job" Award

John Wall

The "Time For A New Optometrist" Award

Carl Lewis

The "Jurassic Park" Award

Baby T-Rex

The "How To Instantly Lose Your Re-Election Campaign" Award

Mark Mallory, Mayor of Cincinnati

The "Nick Cannon Is NOT Hilarious" Award

Mariah Carey

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Steve Nash Is A Baller

Steve Nash gives 110% on and off the court. The moonwalk is never out of style.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Fabio Is The New Old Spice Guy

I am not sure who does that advertising for Old Spice, but whomever it is, they should be paid 10x what they are making right now.

Jeremy Piven Is The Meat In A U.S. Women's Soccer Sandwich

Here is a photograph of perennial douche bag extraordinaire Jeremy Piven posing in between Hope Solo and Alex Morgan of the U.S. Women's Soccer team at the Entourage premiere party in New York City. There are two ways to interpret this photo. The first is to interpret it as a photograph of two beautiful and exceptional female athletes surrounding a jack off with a Napoleon complex. The second is to interpret the photo as three losers dressed in their best gala attire. Either one works.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Why I Hate Instant Replay

While the idea of an 18 game season may have been officially scrapped, the upcoming NFL season will likely have games that feel like they take an eternity to complete. A new rule will go into effect for the 2011 season that will have every single scoring play (touchdown, field goal, extra point, or safety) reviewed by replay officials in the booth. If there is any slight possibility that the ruling could have been made in error, the head official will be buzzed and asked to review the play. Coaches will no longer be allowed to challenge rulings related to scoring plays, and thus will be allowed to use their challenges at other points during the game.

This new rule exacerbates one of my biggest qualms with professional sports today. I have never been a fan of instant replay in the NFL, MLB, NBA, or any sport for that matter. Instant replay removes one of the most integral and exciting aspects of sport: the human element. We have become so consumed with technology and precision these days that the human element is being systematically removed from the games that we love. What makes sports exciting and entertaining are the imperfect elements. If every umpire or referee made every right call all the time, why would we even watch the game? Human error is natural and it keeps engaged and on our toes. It gives us something to talk about. Something to gripe about. Something to keep us interested. In the constant quest to "get it right", the pace and flow of the game are completely discarded. Adding in these stoppages will mean more commercial breaks that drag out an NFL game to well over 3+ hours.

If we are going to have this type of instant replay, why even have referees on the field make any calls at all? Why not just have the replay operators in the booth make decisions on every play with the on field refs acting as enforcers? I know that I am in the minority on this one, but in my opinion, instant replay takes the most basic human element and intrigue out of sport, and has no place in the National Football League, Major League Baseball, the National Basketball Association, or any professional competition for that matter.

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Tour de France Looks Like A Piece of Cake

I don't know if this year is just particularly more gruesome than previous runnings of the Tour de France or if cyclists are just some of the most badass athletes on the face of the planet. Here are a couple of videos and photos from this year's race that emphasize my point.

The above video comes from the Tour's ninth stage and features a French t.v. car running into the lead pack, sending Juan Antonio Flecha of Spain careening into Dutch cyclist Johnny Hoogerland causing a major crash. The crash caused Hoogerland to flip into a barbed wire fence causing lacerations to much of his lower body, including his testicles, that would later require stitches. With his racing shorts all but completely torn off his body, Hoogerland managed to get back on his bike and finish off the remaining twenty miles or so to the stage's finish line.

No, the man above is not a cast member from the new season of The Walking Dead. He is actually Dutch cyclist Laurent ten Dam. During a recent downhill stage of the Tour, Laurent went toppling over his handle bars and suffered numerous lacerations to his face and the rest of his body. Most of us would call it a day at that point, but Laurent decided to keep racing on. Here's the video of the accident:

And here are a few more random photos and videos of mayhem from the 2011 Tour de France. You know, just for funsies.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Tiger's Ex-Wife Has A New Billionaire Boy Toy

Tiger just can't catch a break, unless you count his ball slicing off into the woods on the 14th hole a "break". It is being reported that Tiger's ex-wife Elin Nordegren has a new man, American billionaire investor Jamie Digman. Swedish newspaper Expressen recently spotted the two canoodling outside of Nordegren's luxurious Stockholm apartment. Nordegren and Woods were finally divorced last August after months of speculation following the Thanksgiving Day car accident that led to the unravelling of Woods' extramarital sexual exploits. It is reported that Nordegren received $110 million from the divorce proceedings, along with custody of the couple's two children. She recently purchased a sprawling mansion in Florida worth $12.2 million and just ten miles away from Tiger's digs in Jupiter, Florida. Tiger has had numerous other struggles on and off the golf course in the wake of the Thanksgiving Day incident. He has lost a number of lucrative endorsement deals (including Accenture and Gillette) and has been unable to win a single PGA tour event since 2009. He recently announced that he would not be playing in the British Open this week, as he is still recovering from a knee injury. The downward spiral of Tiger seems to be a bottomless pit.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

This Is What $1.4 Million Will Buy You At An Auction

Some people would use $1.4 million to buy a lavish estate. Some might consider donating it to me to finish paying off college loans and so that I could finally fix the front bumper on my fucking car. Hell, I could buy a new car with that kind of skrilla! But no. Instead someone used $1.42 million to place the winning bid at Sotheby's for the world's oldest soccer rules book. The 1857 handwritten document belonged to the world's oldest soccer club Sheffield FC, who plays seven divisions below the English Premier League, but was sold off in order to help raise funds for the team. The economic downturn has truly hit everyone.