Monday, February 28, 2011

Gaddafi Borrows Line From John Wall's Fave Song

Teach me how to crazy, teach me teach me how to crazy. Errbody love me, er-errbody love me. All my people love me, all my all my people love me, you ain't fuckin wit my Gad-dafi.

(Image via CNN)

Looking for a new job?

Well then you're in luck! The Chicago Cubs are scouring the globe for a new public address announcer, and they will stop at nothing to find the best man or woman for the job. The job has been posted on and you're just a short two minute audition video away from the job of your dreams!!! I could save the Cubs a lot of time and money. Just give the job to Bill Murray. Everybody wins in that situation. Except the Cubs. They'll probably still lose. A lot. Their lineup is terrible.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Moment of Zen

Stayin' Alive - Bee Gees (Teddybears Remix)

Chris Bosh Redefines Terrible

Last night against the Bulls, Chris Bosh made every effort to steal the "Worst Player in the NBA" title from Luke Walton. Not only did the man go 1 of 18 from the field (a shooting percentage of 5.55%) but he also managed to turn into the great Flopalottapuss against Carlos Boozer. Surprisingly, it was not the most egregious flop video of the day, as this video from a U20 soccer match between Ecuador and Chile will show below.

Despite the perseverance of the Flopalottapuss, there is one saving grace in all of this: a three minute montage of Lionel Messi being the anti-flop King of Kings.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Bryce Harper to Make Spring Debut Next Week, Torn MCL Surely Soon To Follow

The Nationals other, not-yet-broken man child is set to make his Spring debut for the team next week vs. the Mets in Port St. Lucie, Florida. Knowing the recent trend of prodigy's in the DC area, here are my odds for how is first at-bat will turn out:
  • Home Run - 15:1
  • Double - 13:1
  • Single - 4:1
  • Strikeout - 5:1
  • Walk - 10:1
  • Potentially career threatening injury - Even
If only they had stayed in Montreal, maybe things would have turned out differently.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Bromance: Kevin Love & Snoop Dogg


Morning Roundup - Jerry Sloan's Haterade Moves East

UPDATE: Deron Williams aka Jerry Sloan's Haterade has been traded by the Utah Jazz to the New Jersey Nets for Devin Harris and Derrick Favors. The Warriors are a third team that is involved in the trade (likely the Murphy for Gadzuric and Wright swap listed below) and will also include at least one first round pick being sent to the Jazz.

Here are a few of the smaller than life trades that will be or are very likely to go down before Thursday's deadline:
  • The Kings and Hornets have agreed to a deal that will send PF Carl Landry to the Hornets in exchange for SG Marcus Thornton and cash.

  • The Warriors and Nets are in deep talks about a trade that would send Dan Gadzuric and Brandan Wright east in exchange for Troy Murphy. If the trade does indeed go through, the Dubs would likely try to coax Murphy into a buyout.

  • The Bulls and Rockets are still working hard on a deal that would send shooting guard Courtney Lee to the Windy City. Chicago is willing to surrender a first round pick for Lee, but the Rockets seem to be insisting that Turkish walking stiff Omer Asik be included as part of the deal.

  • The Nets are involved with another west coast team as they are in talks with the Trail Blazers about a potential Devin Harris for Andre Miller swap. I haven't watched Andre play in awhile but I am sure he is just as good as Carmelo.

  • With Carmelo out of the picture, the Nuggets can now focus on their super smiley center Nene. The two sides are apparently working on an extension that would pay the big man $12 mil per.

Lost and Found in Translation

What do soccer players talk about while on the field? Strategy, McDonalds, and Shakira's hermana obv.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

R.I.P. Minx

The "Crown Jewel of Glendale" seems to have seen its last Adidas sweatsuit and pack of Marlboro Red's. Rumor has it that the Minx Lounge and Restaurant was forced to close recently and is no longer operating. A procession and vigil are scheduled to take place on Grand Boulevard in downtown Glendale later this week to commemorate the social and cultural significance of the city's major landmark. For those who met her, for those who loved her, for those who mocked is indeed a tragic day.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Moment of Zen

Beggin' - Madcon

Kobe Bryants 148, Lebron Jameses 143

In a true clash of the titans last night, the Kobe's beat the Lebron's 148-143 at Staples Center. Kobe led all scorers with 37 points on 14 of 26 shooting, Lebron finished the game with a trip dub, and John Wall did the Dougie under the basket for about an hour and a half. The real winner of the weekend was Serge Ibaka's banana slug kicks (pictured bottom mid right). That shit is fiya.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

El Rumor Mill

My sources tell me...

  • There seems to be something brewing between the 49ers and Eagles that could possibly have Kevin Kolb landing in the Bay. Talks seem to have started out with the Eagles wanting the 49ers 1st round pick (7th overall) in exchange for the former University of Houston QB. I feel like this may be a little bit high for Kolb considering that in 5 starts last year, Kolb through an equal number of INT's-TD's (7-7) and actually had a lower QB Rating than Alex Smith (76.1 to Smith's 82.1). I definitely view Kolb as a better QB than Smith, and perhaps a change of scenery would do him well, but I don't know if he is worth the #7 overall pick in the 2011 draft.

  • The NFL and the Players Union entered into their second day of talks with a federal mediator in what seems to be a last ditch attempt to get an agreement ironed out before the CBA runs out in about two weeks. Both the owners and the Player's Association keep crying foul over each other being "greedy". None of this should matter to the average fan. All is irrelevant until all beer sizes are created unequal! (See Below)

  • Carmelo blah blah blah Knicks blah blah blah Nets blah blah blah Eddy Curry is fat.
  • FC Barcelona seems poised to try and make a play this summer for Arsenal winger Samir Nasri. These rumors seem to have picked up after Arsenal bested Barcelona 2-1 in Champions League play earlier in the week. Barca boss Pep Guardiola seems poised to drop as much as $60 million on the young Frenchman. The second leg of the Arsenal-Barcelona duel will be played in Barcelona on March 8th.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Not Top 3, But Pretty Good

I guess Blake Griffin can make the list of best meaningless dunks in a meaningless game. J-Wall with the assist.

Ladies and Gentlemen...Your 2011 NBA All-Star Celebrity Game Participants

I am most excited to watch Common dunk on Rob Kardashian and Jason Alexander break Justin Bieber's ankles.

Dunkalicious: Top 3 Dunks of All Time

In honor of the NBA all-star weekend and the gratuitous Dunk Contest, I thought I would compile a list of my top 3 favorite dunks of all time. Again, I am sure I can already hear some Clipper fan irately screaming in the background about Blake "I Whip My Head Back and Foth" Griffin not making this list.

#3 Michael Jordan near free throw line shatters the backboard, 1986 Nike Exhibition Tourney

There are obviously a number of MJ dunks that could have made this list, but this is a tremendous dunk featuring a very young Jordan and its funny to watch all the little white dudes scurry away under the basket after the backboard shatters.

#2 Dr.J rock the cradle over Michael Cooper, 76ers vs. Lakers (1983)

The father of the modern dunk putting the ball (and Michael Cooper) in a cradle and rocking them to sleep with this classic jam.

#1. Vince Carter dunk over Frederic Weis, USA vs. France, 2000 Summer Olympics

This dunk pretty much speaks for itself. If you're going to be 7'2" and wear hair gel while playing basketball, you deserve to get dunked on by Vinsanity.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

R.I.P. Uncle Leo

I'll be pourin' one out for you tonight. You will be missed.

Moment of Zen

Excellence - Mos Def

Vintage 2011 Miguel Cabrera DUI Rookie Card is Here!

Smile Miggy!!! You're on Can-did Cam-era!!! :) :) :) In case you haven't heard, Miguel Cabrera was arrested late Wednesday evening in Florida for DUI and resisting arrest. He apparently sipped on some heavenly James Buchanan's De Luxe 12 scotch whiskey (which retails for about $32 at your friendly neighborhood supermarket) and ran into the street with his hands in the air numerous times during the incident. You'd think that a guy who signed an 8 year, $152.3 million deal with the Tigers back in 2008 could at least spring for some Macallan's or something with a little more panache. Position players report to Spring Training at the Tigers facility in Lakeland, Florida on Saturday.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

This is Probably The First Rugby Video You've Ever Watched

A coupla All Blacks doing what All Blacks do best: showing you how much more badass they are than you.

Where Will Albert Take His Talents?

The self-imposed noon deadline for today is about to come and go for Albert Pujols to sign an extension with the St.Louis Cardinals. Albert is rumored to be asking for a 10 year deal at roughly $30 mil per. The two sides have seemingly broken off talks already knowing nothing will be accomplished in the twilight hours before the deadline, so let the mindless banter about his future begin!!! I still think that Albert will eventually wind up back in St.Louis, even if it isn't until free agency this winter. However, should the two sides remain unable to come to some sort of agreement, there will be no shortage of teams lining up for there shot at the 9x all-star and 3x NL MVP. There are a few high profile teams out there that we can already eliminate as potential destinations. The Yankees, Red Sox, and Phillies are already very set at the 1B position with Teixeira, Gonzalez, and Howard respectively. The Mets and Dodgers are two perennial big spenders, but with both being currently bent over a table by their own respective financial woes and blunders, I can't see them opening up the purse strings this winter. Therefore, I would put the Chicago Cubs, Atlanta Braves, and Los Angeles Angels of California at Anaheim as the top teams in pursuit of Lil Alby this winter. My Dark Horse team: The Kansas City Royals. Hear me out on this one. Albert spent time growing up in and around K.C. and also attended community college in the city. The Royals also have big money committed to only one player beyond this year (Billy Butler) and have one of the top 5 farm systems in all of MLB. It might be a long shot, but hey, it could happen.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Moment of Zen

I Remember Shelter - The xx vs. Deadmau5 & Kaskade

Charlie Sheen is Sober

Want proof? Just listen to his interview with Dan Patrick (linked here).

Jamarcus Russell Jr. aka Cam Newton is Already Richer Than You

Cam Newton has inked a deal with Under Armour that will pay him over $1 million annually. This sponsorship deal would shatter the previous endorsement record for a rookie that was set by Reggie Bush with Adidas in 2006. I wonder when Apple will come knocking on his door to start shilling the new iPad.

El Rumor Mill

My sources tell me...

  • The New York Daily News is reporting in its Tuesday edition that the Knicks turned down an offer over the weekend that would have sent Carmelo Anthony and Chauncey Billups to New Yawk in exchange for Danilo Galinari, Eddy Curry, Raymond Felton and a 1st round pick. Aside from the Knicks, the Bulls seems to be the only team still with a chance to land Melo. This Melo-mania over the past year has also led many to believe that a "franchise tag" type of agreement may be worked into the next CBA for the NBA.
  • The Grizzlies are still aggressively trying to trade their walking Redwood, er, Hasheem Thabeet. Good luck trying to find some stiff to take that stiff on.
College Football
  • Nick Montana, son of Joe, is leaving the University of Notre Dame football program in order to transfer to the University of Montana; a move that seems to carry a bit of manifest destiny. Nick has transferred schools a combined 4 times in high school and college. His brother Nate is currently a QB at the University of Washington.
  • Dimitar Berbatov and Man U are in talks on a three year extension that would pay the bouncy Bulgarian roughly $14.6 million annually. Not bad for a 30 year old ugly dude. Da Berba currently leads the EPL with 19 goals this year.

Monday, February 14, 2011

65 Greatest NBA Shots of All Time (via Hoopism)

If you aren't a frequenter of Hoopism, you probably should be. Today they released a post with a court location visualizer and videos for the 65 greatest NBA shots of all time. Everything from MJ's 1992 Game 1 NBA Finals winner to Dr.J's dunk from the free throw line can be found on this little slice of heaven. Somewhere, a Clippers fan is violently complaining that a Blake Griffin dunk didn't make the cut.

Rooney Takes His Bike For A Spin

Here's Rooney's goal with 12 minutes left in this weekend's Manchester Derby after a deflected cross from Nani. Someone please arrest this man because I fear he may have left Joe Hart permanently paralyzed. UPDATE: Apparently YouTube hates all things awesome and has removed the video for ToU violations.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

Who Would Win in a Fight: Ron Swanson vs. Kenny Powers

  1. Diet of whiskey and bacon makes for strong mind, body and soul.
  2. Owns more guns than Gilbert Arenas.
  3. When was the last time you saw a guy with a mustache rivaled only by that of Burt Reynolds lose a fight?
  1. Diet of whiskey and bacon has been known to cause sudden, violent heart attacks.

  1. Diet of whiskey and drugs allows him to feel no pain
  2. Professional athlete with a world renowned work ethic, much like Gilbert Arenas.
  3. When was the last time you saw a guy with a goatee rivaled only by that of Tom Selleck lose a fight?
  1. Diet of whiskey and drugs has been known to cause sudden, violent heart attacks.

Rex Ryan's Foot Fetish: The Gift That Keeps on Giving

I'm no podiatrist, but I don't think a foot is supposed to be able to do that.

The Machine prefers Pacifico and Blondes

The Machine made an appearance at Barry Zito's mansion the other day to hob nob with some members of high society. I don't know what's more offensive: Pat's tighty whities or the fact that Zito still has a job.