Friday, April 29, 2011

Philippines Basketball Association...WINNING

The Philippines Basketball Association currently boasts a total of ten teams with some of the greatest team names of all time. They take their advertising and naming rights very, very seriously. Here are a few of my personal favorites:

Talk 'N Text Tropang Texters (Formerly the Talk 'N Text Phone Pals)

Rain or Shine Elasto Painters

B-Meg Derby Ace Llamados (Formerly Purefoods Tender Juicy Giants and Purefoods Chunkee Giants)

Toyota Super Corollas (1981-82)

I don't know what everyone else thinks, but that Toyota Super Corollas logo is actually pretty fucking dope. Also, how have the Trojan Magnums not become a major player in this league yet?

Moment of Zen

Someone Like You (Messed Remix) - Adele

Thursday, April 28, 2011

El Rumor Mill - NFL Draft Edition

The NFL Draft kicks off with the first round tonight, and if the events that have unfolded in the past week are any indication, it is going to be a total and utter shit show. If I have to fucking listen to Mel Kiper say "upside" or "potential" one more goddamn time, I am going to punch someone in the fucking face.

My sources tell me...


  • The Cowboys are looking to trade down from their pick at #9, with the Patriots looking to be the most aggressive suitors. Bob Kraft and the Pats seem to be in hot pursuit of DE Cameron Jordan out of Cal. Holding up the deal is Jerry Jones' insistence that the Patriots pay for his next 3-5 face lifts as part of their package. The Pats front office seems unwilling to budge from more than two face lifts.

  • It was recently leaked that a prominent scouting director has been warning teams against drafting QB Andy Dalton out of TCU because, "No red headed QB has ever succeeded in the NFL". I feel that this type of evaluation is asinine when we already know that no red headed human being has ever succeeded in any aspect of life. Red headed failure is kinda like Manifest Destiny for the 21st century.

  • Cam Newton seemed to ruffle a few feathers when he decided to break from tradition and stay at a different hotel than the rest of the NFL hopefuls that will be in attendance for the draft including Blaine Gabbert, Von Miller, and Patrick Peterson. This is not the only draft tradition that Cam plans on bucking, as he also plans on wearing this little number below when he is chosen as the #1 overall bust pick in the 2011 draft. Does he not know it is a total faux pas to wear white past Pro Day?!?!

    • The Raiders seem poised to use some of their stockpiled late round picks to move up into the late first or early second round to try and draft QB Colin Kaepernick out of Nevada. Al Davis was quoted as saying he is very high on Kaepernick because he reminds him of his great great great great great grandson and/or a scab he picked off of his forehead last weekend. Oh that Al Davis is still sharp as a tack!

    • Noted steakhouse owner John Elway, who is currently serving as VP of Football Operations for the Denver Broncos, recently announced publicly that he is Tim Tebow's #1 fan. Tim seemed grateful for the praise from the famous former Broncos QB, but politely asked Mr. Elway to get off his nuts for fear he might be potentially breaking his covenant with God.

    How Drunk is Mark Wahlberg?

    This is crazy man.....this is crazy man....this is crazy man...

    Art Imitating El Clásico

    Here is a re-imagining of the first El Clasico from 2011, a 5-0 win for Barca, as done by artist Richard Swarbick. About a month back, I posted a similar video from Swarbick that highlighted Gareth Bale's stellar play against Inter Milan. The dude has talent.

    Wednesday, April 27, 2011

    Why the Newton/Panthers Marriage is Already Destined to Fail

    Tomorrow evening, the Carolina Panthers will select Cam Newton with the #1 overall pick in the NFL draft. The moment this happens, the Panthers front office will have immediately set their franchise back five years.

    Cam Newton comes with more red flags than a game of Minesweeper (and is far less entertaining). Aside from the fact that the Panthers are basically admitting that they fucked up in spending a second round pick laster year on Jimmy Clausen, they are placing the keys to the franchise in the hands of a man that threw under 300 passes in his college career. As a point of reference, last year's #1 overall pick Sam Bradford threw over 900 passes in his college career. I feel like I am not making too much of a bold claim when I say that Cam was known much more for his legs than his arm in college. His size and speed made him a pretty good duel threat in college, able to cut up defenses with his running ability. But that was college. In the NFL, Cam will face defenses vastly superior to any he faced in college and his ability as a runner will likely be diminished if not completely neutralized. This is not to say that I don't think he could have a good game or two on the ground, but the NFL is a pass first league and Cam Newton is not a pass first quarterback.

    What makes the pick even more egregious is the talent Carolina is passing on in taking Cam Newton #1 overall. One of Carolina's biggest needs on defense is at the defensive tackle position, and a Ndamukong Suh-esque talent is present in this draft in the form of Marcell Dareus out of the University of Alabama. Here are a few of Dareus' highlights, including him chasing down Mr. Newton:

    CB Patrick Peterson (LSU) and WR A.J. Green (Georgia) are also exceptional talents that I'd rate much, much higher than Cam Newton, although the Panthers aren't as thin at their positions. By all accounts, there are no other teams in the league that have Cam Newton rated as their #1 overall player, with many teams having Cam not even ranked as their #1 overall QB (For the record, mark my words, three years from now Christian Ponder will have emerged as the best QB out of this draft class). If nothing else, the Panthers are doing themselves a disservice by not trying to trade down and grab Cam later in the draft while picking up other assets. All this pick does is buy the Panthers front office some time so that they can keep throwing out words about Cam like "He is developing nicely, he's just ready to turn a corner". They'll say that during his rookie year which will bleed nicely into his sophomore slump and into him being removed as the starter mid-game some time in year three. The only corner Cam will be turning in the next five years is the one to the unemployment office once the Panthers cut him.

    Tuesday, April 26, 2011

    Flopping: Not Just For Chris Bosh Anymore!

    When most of us think of "flopping", our minds immediately run to basketball and the tremendous acting talents of Chris Bosh, Vlade Divac and others. However, flopping in football is equally as egregious but often goes overlooked. Do they teach flopping at the NFL Rookie Symposium? I am pretty sure it will be added to the agenda right after the seminar entitled, "How To Blow Your Money Properly" brought to you by JaMarcus Russell, Antoine Walker, and Lenny Dykstra.

    Monday, April 25, 2011

    R.I.P. Flavor Flav's Fried Chicken

    After only being in operation for four months, Flavor Flav's fried chicken franchise has closed their doors. The business seemed to have a number of major problems, mainly not being able to pay its employees. Flavor Flav was also apparently unhappy with his business partner and the way the store was being operated. The people of Clinton, Iowa are truly shaken and now must try and learn to move forward after this terrible loss.

    This Is What It Looks Like When You Ski Jump Off A Cliff With An Avalanche Chasing You

    Sunday, April 24, 2011

    This Is SportsCenter is So Good It Deserves A Second Post

    Hannah Storm is hot.

    This Is SportsCenter

    A lot of people watch ESPN for their fine sports coverage, but I am really just in it for the commercials. The "This Is SportsCenter" series of commercials has been around since 1994 and I have attempted to wrangle together a few of my favorites, which proved incredibly difficult because there is no such thing as a bad "This Is SportsCenter" commercial. Also, someone should really get Scott Van Pelt a TV show. Actually, I take that back. If fucking Colin Cowherd can get a TV show then Scott deserves his own movie franchise. Stuart Scott, Dan Patrick, and Kenny Mayne should all appear as a supporting cast too.

    Friday, April 22, 2011

    Moment of Zen - The Swedish House Mafia Saves The World

    "Save The World" - Swedish House Mafia ft. John Martin

    Colin Cowherd is an Ass, So Let's Go Heckle Him

    For those of you like me that typically prefer to nerd-it-up and listen to sports talk radio during your morning commute, you have more than likely had your ears bleed at some point while listening to Colin Cowherd on ESPN radio. Colin's daily radio show, The Herd With Colin Cowherd, has been gracing the air waves since 2003 and currently airs 7-10 am PST. Colin is what the French commonly refer to as a "douche bag". He often brings in his biased, conservative slant to the bipartisan world of sports and manages to ruin all that many of us find Holy. For those of you that have never heard his show, it typically entails three hours of him boisterously flaunting his moral and ethical ideals from a soap box while simultaneously casting judgement upon those that dare contradict him. He also seems to have a certain fetish for preying on the innocent as well. One of the most notable cases I can remember involved his rant on John Wall growing up without a father figure and how that will inhibit him from becoming a true star in the NBA. To provide a little background, John Wall's father spent much of his son's childhood in prison and died shortly after his release when John was only nine years old. During the first Wizards home game of the season, John Wall made his entrance on to the court while doing the Dougie to tremendous fan fare from the arena. Apparently, this is all Colin needed in order to begin insulting John's upbringing, character, and intelligence. He would go on to state that this type of entrance signified a "me first" mentality that would relegate him to Allen Iverson status, aka, a great player who's selfish attitude created a one dimensional scoring machine that would likely leave him short of ever winning an NBA title or achieving truly elite status in the league. This is fair considering judging a 20 year old three games into his career is more than an ample sample size to lay judgement on how the rest of his years in the league will play out. However, Colin did not stop there. A few games later, Wall managed to post an impressive Triple-Double just a few games into his first year in the league. Obviously, Colin saw this as an excellent time to rip John further, this time bringing his father into the equation. He further went on to state that John's attitude to the game was likely brought on because his father was not around much when he was a kid. To make such a claim is not only asinine, it is downright ignorant. Here is the exact quote from his broadcast, courtesy of The Washington Post:

    "Let me tell you something: I'm a big believer, when it comes to quarterbacks and point guards. Who's your dad? Who's your dad? Because I like confrontational players, I don't like passive aggressive. Strong families equal strong leaders. Talent? Overrated. Leadership? Underrated. And you can say, well, Colin, can you just go out and say anything crazy and get people to e-mail. That's not the point. You wouldn't e-mail if I was an idiot, because you wouldn't listen to the show. You listen to the show because we make good points.

    "I simply have a different opinion than you do on John Wall. I like the character of Derek Fisher, the rebounding and distribution ability of Rajon Rondo, that's what I like. That's what I want from my point guards. You celebrate the assists more than the buckets.....I know he's great. So don't confuse [me saying] John Wall's no good. No, John Wall's an A+ talent. I don't think he's ever gonna be an A+ win-championships point guard."

    "One of the things I've always knocked against Derrick Rose of the Chicago Bulls, Derrick Rose has a passive-aggressive personality. He's not confrontational. What does that mean? That's not a good husband, and it's not a good point guard, and it's not a good CEO. They have brain types. And people who test for brain types knew that Peyton Manning would be much more successful than Ryan Leaf, because of Peyton Manning's family background and his confrontational style. Derrick Rose pouts, gets moody, is passive-aggressive. I'm not a fan of Derrick Rose as my point guard. Rajon Rondo? Very confrontational. Argues with Doc Rivers, argues with teammates, argues with officials. I love that in my point guard. Magic would yap, Manning yaps, Brees yaps, Brady yaps, McNabb yaps. I want guys who are confrontational."

    Ah yes, because if this season has taught us anything it's that players like Derrick Rose (25 ppg, 7.7 apg, 4.1 rpg) and John Wall (16.4 ppg, 8.3 apg, 1.8 spg) have no chance of ever becoming leaders for their respective teams. Derrick is just gonna probably end up being the MVP of the league and John blew all other rookies out of the water in terms of assists per game average. Granted, this was back early in the season (Novemberish), but I just find it so incredibly unfair and demeaning to judge an athlete, or any individual for that matter, in such a way so early on in their careers. To top it all off, Colin managed to squeeze in an analogy comparing John to Michael Vick:

    "You know, John Wall and Vick are very similar. I"m not disputing their talent. I mean, Michael Vick and John Wall are fun to watch. But building my franchise around him, leadership position? I'm not giving Vick four-year deals, I'm not giving him $40 mil. No way. No. Way."

    Colin Cowherd is a man who's ability to be a complete and total utter asshole knows no bounds. However, there is now opportunity to heckle and judge him right back. For some god awful reason, the lovely people at CBS have decided to green light a show inspired by Colin and his daily radio show. The taping of the pilot is scheduled for 6pm on April 26th at the CBS Studios in Studio City. Deadspin has managed to get ahold of the pilot script and has made it available for viewing and boy howdy does it look like a craptacular piece of work. Free tickets to attend the taping have been made available for free to the public. It goes without saying that I find this to be a most excellent occasion to get drunk and go heckle the shit of that slimy asshole Colin. Anyone else care to join?

    Thursday, April 21, 2011

    Steve Nash Is One Lucky Dude

    On her recent stop in Phoenix during her I'm Still Music Tour, Nicki Minaj took a minute to provide Phoenix Suns point guard Steve Nash with a little special attention via lap dance. He even gets his own special throne chair and everything! Ok, so now all I have to do to get similar treatment is be a millionaire athlete and two-time NBA MVP. Seems simple enough.

    p.s. Nicki looks like she was hand dipped in a bag of Skittles.

    p.p.s. If you don't think Nicki Minaj is hot then you are an idiot.

    Bottom 10 Sports Logos of All Time - Part 2

    San Antonio Gunslingers (U.S. Football League, Primary Logo, 1984-85)
    Nothing gets a fan base ready for a game of football like an anorexic cowboy doing a jig. Someone should really feed the gunslinger some buffalo meat and Texas toast so he doesn't get blown away by a gust of wind. Eddy Curry could probably learn a thing or two from the Gunslinger though.

    New York Knicks (NBA, Primary Logo, 1946-64)
    I don't know about you, but this old Knicks logo of "Father Knickerbocker" scares the hell out of me. I can't really tell if he has a face, but in the place where his face should be, he looks pretty fucking possessed.

    Toronto Raptors (NBA, Anniversary Patch, 1995-96)
    Here we have another logo from the MS Paint Production Department. In their innagural season, Toronto really, REALLY took the prehistoric theme and ran with it. They even added an A.D. at the bottom of the patch so we wouldn't confused it with 1995 B.C. Thanks for clearing that one up guys!!!

    Campbell University Fighting Camels (College, Primary Logo, 1993-2004)
    Granted you're already at a pretty steep disadvantage creating a fierce logo when your mascot is a camel, but the good people at Campbell University could have done better than this. This "Fighting Camel" appears to have broken its legs and is ready to fall down and take a nap.

    Detroit Tigers (MLB, Primary Logo, 1927-28)
    This may be the creme de la creme of bad logos. This orange blob with blue lines and a disjointed jaw was supposed to resemble a fierce tiger? He also has those sad Bette Davis eyes, probably because he just looked in a mirror and realized how goddamn ugly he is.

    Wednesday, April 20, 2011

    Beastie Boys Party Like It's 1986 With "Fight For Your Right Revisited"

    May I present to you the trailer from the Beastie Boys new 30 minute video being released in conjunction with their new album, "Hot Sauce Committee Part". The video features Will Ferrell, Elijah Wood, Michael C. Riley, Jack Black, Danny McBride, Seth Rogen, Susan Sarandon, Ted Danson, and Will Arnett amongst many others. Fight For Your Right Revisited was released to day and "Hot Sauce Committee Part 2" is set for a May 3rd release. Awwwwwwwwwww yeeeeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

    Bottom 10 Sports Logos of All Time - Part 1

    As I stated earlier, it's a lot easier to create a piece of shit logo than it is to create a masterpiece. Therefore, this list takes a lot more time and effort due to the overwhelming supply of crappy logos to choose from. I have done my absolute best to comb the professional and collegiate ranks to try and bring to light some of the absolutely most atrocious and appalling graphic designs to have ever graced a uniform. Here are the first five on my Bottom 10 list, with the final five coming later tonight or tomorrow morning. Without further ado, let the Crap-Fest begin!

    Oakland A's (MLB, Alternate Logo, 1994)
    The Oakland A's elephant logo is a timeless classic that dates back to 1905 and the teams nickname as the "White Elephants". In 1994, the A's decided it would be a good idea to add a pair of shades to their majestic mascot. Terrible, horrible, god awful idea. The logo was scrapped after just one year of use, with the sunglasses removed, all order was restored.

    New York Islanders (NHL, Primary Logo, 1995-97)
    Did the Islanders pull in some sort of sponsorship deal with Long John Silvers in order to go with this monstrosity? That is the only reason why one of the dudes from Deadliest Catch should be in goal on your logo.

    Baltimore Orioles (MLB, Alternate Logo, 1965-67)
    In the 1960's, LSD became a very popular drug amongst Ken Kesey, his Merry Pranksters and just about everyone else. The drug also seemed to be very popular among mascots in Baltimore, as this Oriole appears to be going on his 23rd or 24th straight Grateful Dead show.

    Sacramento St. Hornets (College, Primary Logo, 1991-2003)
    The fact that this logo managed to survive at Sac State for 12 years just simply blows my mind. It looks like something a 10 year old put together on Microsoft Paint. Also, why does the Hornet not have eye balls?

    Harlequins RL (Rugby Super League, Primary Logo, 2006-Present)
    Harlequins has always been a middling club since joining the RSL and their teams logo certainly isn't helping things. Nothing strikes fear in to the heart of your opponents more than a court jester attempting what appears to be a plié.

    Great Moments in Free Throw Failure

    The free throw is one of the most fundamental shots in all of basketball. Seems pretty simple. Completely unguarded, a player is asked to shoot a ball from 19 feet away facing the the direct center of the basket. The average NBA player makes between 70-80% of his free throws, which are often followed by celebratory high fives and applause. However, there are rare occasions when this simple, simple act can go completely awry. Therefore, I present to you "Great Moments in Free Throw Failure".

    Chuck Hayes attempts Texas Two-Step While Shooting

    One air ball for the road? Better make it two!

    Wilt Chamberlain Just Straight Did Not Give A FUCK About Free Throws

    If At First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Again

    NBA 2K8 Doing It's Best Brady Morningstar Impression

    Tuesday, April 19, 2011

    Top 10 Sports Logos of All Time - Part 2

    Continuing on with five more of the greatest graphic designs to ever grace a sports franchise.

    Toronto Blue Jays (MLB, Script Logo, 1979-88)

    Anaheim Amigos (ABA, Primary Logo, 1967-68)

    San Francisco Warriors (NBA, Primary Logo, 1969-71)

    Lake Elsinore Storm (Cal League Baseball, Primary Logo, 2002-Present)

    San Diego Chargers (NFL, Primary Logo, 1961-73)

    Meet The Phillies New #5 Starter

    Ok, things are starting to get downright ridiculous out in Philly. Not only do they already have plenty of stud starting pitching in Cliff Lee, Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt, and Cole Hamels, but now a goddamn robot has entered into the mix. Designed by students at the University of Pennsylvania, PhillieBot will make his debut on Wednesday by throwing out the opening pitch for the team's game against the Milwaukee Brewers. The Philadelphia Enquirer reports that PhillieBot tops out at about 40 MPH. While that type of speed might not blow you away, it is pretty impressive when you consider its about 38 MPH faster than Eddy Curry can run.

    Monday, April 18, 2011

    Top 10 Sports Logos of All Time - Part 1

    More than the fans, players, or executives, a logo is truly what defines a sports team. Many are monotonous, some are downright awful, and a select few should be hanging in a national museum because their sheer awesomeness should be on display for all eyes to see. Therefore, I bring you my top 10 sports logos of all time, in no particular order. Here are the first five and I will post the other five later in the day. Expect a Bottom 10 follow up post later in the week.

    Youngstown St. University Penguins (College, Alternate Logo, 1989-Present)

    Denver Nuggets (ABA/NBA, Primary Logo, 1974-1981)

    Spirits of St. Louis (ABA, Primary Logo, 1974-76)

    St. Louis Stampede (Arena Football League, Primary Logo, 1995-96)

    Winnipeg Jets (NHL, Primary Logo, 1990-96)

    Thursday, April 14, 2011

    El Rumor Mill

    My sources tell me...

    • Photo's from Brian Wilson's 80's themed birthday bash in Scottsdale, Arizona are starting to make their rounds on the internet! Mr. Wilson even seemed to take the mic at one point during the night. Don't quit your day job, Brian!

    • If the playoffs were to start today, Boston fans would likely be a little perturbed. The Red Sox currently hold the worst record in baseball at 2-9 and have allowed a Major League leading 72 runs thus far this season. Is it too late to ask Tom Terrific to step in and try and throw a few fastballs? Not like he has a fucking job anymore anyways.

    • Bobby Valentine is doing everything in his power to replace Joe Buck as the worst commentator in baseball. In recent commentary on Josh Hamilton's injury sliding headfirst into home that left him with a broken arm, Valentine noted that Hamilton's decision to make such a "risky" play was likely due to his history of drug problems. However, while rushing to judge others, Bobby failed to elaborate on his own personal history of taking a combination of Xanex and shrooms before every telecast.
    • The Sacramento Kings failed to win what was likely their last game in the Arena formerly known as Arco, falling to the Lakers 116-108 in OT. The team will likely be heading to Anaheim next year, but the Kings moniker will be unable to follow with the team due to the existence of the NHL's Kings in nearby Los Angeles. The Maloof's reportedly looked into changing the team's name to the California Gurls, but were immediately faced with possible litigation from superstar Katy Perry for copyright infringement and didn't want to be further confused with a WNBA team than they already are.

    • Rumor has it that Greg Oden is indeed actually still alive and is continuing his rehab in Portland with the Blazers, hoping to return to the team next year. In order to do so, the Trail Blazers front office will have to extend a qualifying offer to the restricted free agent to be that will likely have to be in the neighborhood of $8.8 million. The Trail Blazers have until June 30th to extend such an offer, which works out perfectly since that is just a few days before Greg's 38th birthday!

    • In an attempt to find an Eddy Curry "highlight" video, I came across this little doozy featured below. In the video, a lumbering Eddy Curry seems to manage to get 4 inches off the ground and dunk over two hapless Toronto Raptors. What the announcers failed to mention was that The Hamburglar was actually subbing in for Eddy as a body double at that point, and thusly should be credited with the jam. Somebody get The Hamburglar a fucking contract!!!!

    College Basketball
    • In a rather unsurprising move, UConn guard Kemba Walker announced his intentions to leave school early and enter the NBA draft. Kemba also recently told Sports Illustrated that he has attained enough credits to graduate with his degree in Sociology. However, in the same interview, Kemba admits that he has only read one book in his entire life. I don't know who looks worse here: The University of Connecticut or Sociology majors across the world.
    • The Champions League semifinals are set as Shalke 04 will face Manchester United and Real Madrid will do battle with Barcelona in El Clasico. In a surprise move, Barcelona head honcho Josep Guardiola has decided to go with Justin Bieber instead of Lionel Messi on the front line for the matchup. David Villa was highly critical of his manager's decision, stating emphatically "No me gusta!" in a recent interview. In response to his teammate's views on the matter, Bieber was quoted as saying, "Whatchu talkin aboot, eh?". Something appears to be lost in translation between these battle tested teammates. Hopefully the two can get it worked out before their team heads to Madrid on April 27th.

    Tuesday, April 12, 2011

    The Flying Right Handed Club of Doom

    Despite there still being no signs of an agreement between the NFL and the Players Union, the 2011 NFL draft is on the horizon, scheduled to take place in about two and a half weeks. The NFL draft is truly a spectacle like no other. There is always a ton of pomp and circumstance surrounding the draft, and I was lucky enough to have the opportunity to attend the event back in 2007. A lifelong 49ers fan, I came decked out in an Alex Smith jersey (God, that was a terrible mistake.) and waited patiently for them to make their first round selection. Holding the 11th overall pick, I was rooting hard for them to take Amobi Okoye out of Louisville. Okoye was a freaking man child having entered college at the age of 15 (Choosing Louisville over Harvard) because he tested in to the ninth grade at the age of 12. The kid was a stud on the field and in the classroom. With the #10 overall pick, the Texans decided to snatch up Okoye. I dropped more f-bombs in the next five minutes than Joe Pesci's character did in all of "Casino". I looked up at the Big Board on the stage at the Rockefeller Center for guidance, a sign, a vision....ANYTHING. The minutes seemed to turn into hours. At the young age of 18, this (pathetically) ranked among the top 10 or 15 most nerve wracking moments of my life. Then, all of a sudden, The Flying Right Handed Club of Doom appeared. The Flying Right Handed Club of Doom is the giant "thing" that was attached to Patrick Willis' shoulder during his senior year at Ole Miss. As you will see in the video above, Patrick played much of his senior year with a broken right hand that required heavy, HEAVY bandaging. Patrick converted the injury into a weapon of mass destruction capable of knocking 300 lb. SEC lineman to the floor in a single blow. While doing some browsing of videos and scouting of the upcoming 2011 draft class, I came across the old highlight video they showed at the draft and just felt the need to share its greatness with the world. It's truly magical. Oh and by the way, Patrick went on to win the Defensive ROY award and is now a 4x Pro Bowler. Amobi has 10 career sacks in four full seasons. Thank you Flying Right Handed Club of Doom. Thank you. Now if the Niners could just find someone to replace this asshole below, we'd be all set.

    Monday, April 11, 2011

    An Ode to the Mascot

    The mascot. It's a staple of just about every sports game we attend. They dance. They fall down. They throw things into the crowd. Sometimes they even get knocked the fuck out by Randall Simon. When we're young, the mascot is an amusing bit of comic relief that helps keep our snap-of-your-fingers attention span attentive during the down time of games. As adults, they typically become a point of drunken heckling and buffoonery. They typically become an afterthought to the actual game itself, a type of white noise to play in the background between innings or at halftime. That is, unless the guy in the video above is performing at the game you attend. Then it's a whole different ball game. This guy has taken the profession of being a mascot and transformed it into an art form. Go ahead, giant Globe Head Man. Keep doing what you do. You are a champion of your craft.

    Friday, April 8, 2011

    These Kids Make Blake Griffin Look Like Arvydas Sabonis

    Here is some high school kids doing some pretty dece plus stuff with a basketball in the first ever BallIsLife Dunk Contest. No cars. No props. All business. And for the record, I love Arvydas Sabonis. He's easily in my top 15 or 20 Lithuanian big men of all time. He's kinda like the Luc Longley or Rik Smits of the Pacific Northwest.

    Wednesday, April 6, 2011

    Who Would Win in a Fight: Dennis Rodman vs. Honey Badger

    1. Willing to fight anyone, any time at any place. Even sweaty, oily Karl Malone in a wrestling ring. That takes guts.
    2. Much like a chameleon, Dennis is a master of disguise. He could pose as the greatest rebounder of all time one second and then transform instantly into a dude that makes Charlie Sheen look mildly sane and rational. Such versatility is key in battle!
    3. When your second autobiography is entitled I Should Be Dead By Now, you've obviously battle tested and resilient. Two very necessary traits in any fight.
    1. Fumes from years of colorful hair dye jobs have likely caused irreparable brain damage.
    2. Dennis has a certain affinity for donning bridal gowns. If the movie "Runaway Bride" taught me anything, it's that the likes of Richard Gere can be like kryptonite for those donning such garb. If all it takes is the mere sight of a lil Richard Gere to stop you in your tracks, you probably don't stand much of a chance in a physical altercation.
    3. Dude's nickname was "The Worm". Doesn't exactly strike fear into an opponent's heart.

    1. Holds Guinness World Record for "Most Fearless Animal". Honey badgers really don't give a shit about nobody. It's pretty badass.
    2. Nothing can stop Honey Badger when it's hungry. Diet of larvae, King Cobra, and bee stings is known in the Animal Kingdom as the "Breakfast of Champions".
    3. Honey Badger get knocked down, but it get up again, you ain't evvvvvvaaaa gonna keep it down!!!
    1. None.

    Best Vegas Commercial Ever

    "Las Vegas is sort of like how God would do it if he had the money." - Steve Wynn

    The Day The Dougie Died

    Texas A&M won their first ever NCAA Women's Basketball National Championship last night with a 76-70 win over Notre Dame. Texas A&M's coach Gary Blair then attempted to preform what I can only describe as the most piss-poor old man attempt at a Dougie I have ever seen in my entire life. Thankfully, he digressed and gave up after about 3.5 seconds. Farewell Dougie. You have served us well.

    Tuesday, April 5, 2011

    El Rumor Mill

    My sources tell me...

    College Basketball
    • It seems there was some confusion last night as Butler and UConn accidentally had their JV teams sent to Houston to compete for the National Title. I take that back. I did just an incredible disservice to all the hard working JV teams out there in the world. Butler Coach Brad Stevens should have nothing to worry about though. It will probably only take him another 34 years or so to return Butler to the promised land that is losing another National Title game.

    • What the hell is going on with all this loyalty with college basketball coaches? First Purdue's Matt Painter turns down a definite upgrade to head to Mizzou and now Shaka Smart has rebuked N.C. State to sign an 8 year extension. What happened to the good old days when coaches like Bob Huggins could show complete disregard for a fan base and bolt from one team to another every one or two years? How dare Matt and Shaka try and restore some sense of honor to college coaching. They should be ashamed of themselves.
    • The first weekend plus of the MLB season is in the books and your remaining undefeated teams are the defending World Series runners up Texas Rangers and the...Baltimore Orioles?!? And the Red Sox have yet to win a game?!? Either the apocalypse is upon us or we have only played four damn games of a 162 game season. Most fakhin Bastan fans would have you believe it's the former.

    • It looks as if The Beard will be returning to a San Francisco bullpen near you in the not too distant future after completing a 27-pitch simulated game on Sunday. The Giants expect him to come off the DL sometime later this week. The two primary targets to get sent down in order to make room for Wilson seem to be Dan Runzler and Guillermo Mota. Runzler seems to be the obvious front runner to move aside considering his agrecious lack of facial hair, and maybe a little bit because he's already surrendered four earned runs in 2.1 innings pitched.

    • Here is a recent picture of New York Mets coach Terry Collins, taken at the exact moment that he was told my a New York Post reporter that he had actually been hired to coach the New York "Mets" and not the New York "Jets" as he had originally thought. There is absolutely NO WAY to turn a frown upside down after finding out something as tragic as that:

    • The Miami Heat have seemingly decide that quantity over quality is key when it comes to finding centers for the NBA. The team already has five listed on their roster (Ilgausakas, Dampier, Pittman, Anthony, Magloire) and gave a tryout to Eddy Curry this past weekend. Rumor has it the team seriously considered signing Curry until he tried to get a clause written into his contract that would provide him with three Double Whoppers a day. Talk about a deal breaker.

    • Celtics GM Danny Ainge still looks to have made the best deal at this year's trade deadline, shipping Kendrick Perkins off to Oklahoma City in exchange for backup wingman Jeff Green. The deal really made complete sense on Ainge's part. "We can definitely get rid of Perkins when we have Shaq Diesel waiting in the wings!". Well diesel now runs you about $4.50 a gallon and Shaquille still has yet to leave the Jiffy Lube he entered weeks ago. Don't worry, Danny. I hear Eddy Curry is available.
    • According to reports out of Britain, Chelsea striker Didier Drogba is seriously considering a move across the pond to the MLS next year, joining the likes of Thierry Henry and David Beckham to make such a move. The MLS should seriously consider adopting the motto: "A place where Europe's best and brightest sell out and die". Kinda has a nice ring to it.

    Monday, April 4, 2011

    Moment of Zen

    I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Back from the land of no internet. Expect an El Rumor Mill later tonight or tomorrow morning. For now enjoy this lovely diddy.

    Cinema - Benny Benassi (Skrillex Remix)

    Friday, April 1, 2011

    And the Winner of the 1st Annual Sweet, Sweet Beer 16 is...

    SCHLITZ!!! Of course!!! None of this voting ever REALLY mattered. There is only one tried and true beer that could ever be called #1 and that is that great Milwaukee brand known as Schlitz. As the advertisement above attests to, "If you love beer, you'll love Schlitz". If that doesn't have #1 winner winner chicken dinner written all over it, then I don't know what does. I'd like to think all of you other beers for coming out, but y'all never really had a chance to match the sweet, sweet allure of a cold Schlitz. In the Sweet, Sweet Beer 16 consolation bracket, #1 seeded Fat Tire managed to ink out a victory over #1 Newcastle. Blah blah blah. Who the hell cares? JUST GIMMIE SOME GODDAMN SCHLITZ!