The NFL Draft kicks off with the first round tonight, and if the events that have unfolded in the past week are any indication, it is going to be a total and utter shit show. If I have to fucking listen to Mel Kiper say "upside" or "potential" one more goddamn time, I am going to punch someone in the fucking face.
My sources tell me...
The Cowboys are looking to trade down from their pick at #9, with the Patriots looking to be the most aggressive suitors. Bob Kraft and the Pats seem to be in hot pursuit of DE Cameron Jordan out of Cal. Holding up the deal is Jerry Jones' insistence that the Patriots pay for his next 3-5 face lifts as part of their package. The Pats front office seems unwilling to budge from more than two face lifts. It was recently leaked that a prominent scouting director has been warning teams against drafting QB Andy Dalton out of TCU because, "No red headed QB has ever succeeded in the NFL". I feel that this type of evaluation is asinine when we already know that no red headed human being has ever succeeded in any aspect of life. Red headed failure is kinda like Manifest Destiny for the 21st century. Cam Newton seemed to ruffle a few feathers when he decided to break from tradition and stay at a different hotel than the rest of the NFL hopefuls that will be in attendance for the draft including Blaine Gabbert, Von Miller, and Patrick Peterson. This is not the only draft tradition that Cam plans on bucking, as he also plans on wearing this little number below when he is chosen as the #1 overall bust pick in the 2011 draft. Does he not know it is a total faux pas to wear white past Pro Day?!?!
- The Raiders seem poised to use some of their stockpiled late round picks to move up into the late first or early second round to try and draft QB Colin Kaepernick out of Nevada. Al Davis was quoted as saying he is very high on Kaepernick because he reminds him of his great great great great great grandson and/or a scab he picked off of his forehead last weekend. Oh that Al Davis is still sharp as a tack!
- Noted steakhouse owner John Elway, who is currently serving as VP of Football Operations for the Denver Broncos, recently announced publicly that he is Tim Tebow's #1 fan. Tim seemed grateful for the praise from the famous former Broncos QB, but politely asked Mr. Elway to get off his nuts for fear he might be potentially breaking his covenant with God.