Thursday, April 14, 2011

El Rumor Mill


My sources tell me...

MLB
  • Photo's from Brian Wilson's 80's themed birthday bash in Scottsdale, Arizona are starting to make their rounds on the internet! Mr. Wilson even seemed to take the mic at one point during the night. Don't quit your day job, Brian!

  • If the playoffs were to start today, Boston fans would likely be a little perturbed. The Red Sox currently hold the worst record in baseball at 2-9 and have allowed a Major League leading 72 runs thus far this season. Is it too late to ask Tom Terrific to step in and try and throw a few fastballs? Not like he has a fucking job anymore anyways.

  • Bobby Valentine is doing everything in his power to replace Joe Buck as the worst commentator in baseball. In recent commentary on Josh Hamilton's injury sliding headfirst into home that left him with a broken arm, Valentine noted that Hamilton's decision to make such a "risky" play was likely due to his history of drug problems. However, while rushing to judge others, Bobby failed to elaborate on his own personal history of taking a combination of Xanex and shrooms before every telecast.
NBA
  • The Sacramento Kings failed to win what was likely their last game in the Arena formerly known as Arco, falling to the Lakers 116-108 in OT. The team will likely be heading to Anaheim next year, but the Kings moniker will be unable to follow with the team due to the existence of the NHL's Kings in nearby Los Angeles. The Maloof's reportedly looked into changing the team's name to the California Gurls, but were immediately faced with possible litigation from superstar Katy Perry for copyright infringement and didn't want to be further confused with a WNBA team than they already are.

  • Rumor has it that Greg Oden is indeed actually still alive and is continuing his rehab in Portland with the Blazers, hoping to return to the team next year. In order to do so, the Trail Blazers front office will have to extend a qualifying offer to the restricted free agent to be that will likely have to be in the neighborhood of $8.8 million. The Trail Blazers have until June 30th to extend such an offer, which works out perfectly since that is just a few days before Greg's 38th birthday!

  • In an attempt to find an Eddy Curry "highlight" video, I came across this little doozy featured below. In the video, a lumbering Eddy Curry seems to manage to get 4 inches off the ground and dunk over two hapless Toronto Raptors. What the announcers failed to mention was that The Hamburglar was actually subbing in for Eddy as a body double at that point, and thusly should be credited with the jam. Somebody get The Hamburglar a fucking contract!!!!

College Basketball
  • In a rather unsurprising move, UConn guard Kemba Walker announced his intentions to leave school early and enter the NBA draft. Kemba also recently told Sports Illustrated that he has attained enough credits to graduate with his degree in Sociology. However, in the same interview, Kemba admits that he has only read one book in his entire life. I don't know who looks worse here: The University of Connecticut or Sociology majors across the world.
Soccer
  • The Champions League semifinals are set as Shalke 04 will face Manchester United and Real Madrid will do battle with Barcelona in El Clasico. In a surprise move, Barcelona head honcho Josep Guardiola has decided to go with Justin Bieber instead of Lionel Messi on the front line for the matchup. David Villa was highly critical of his manager's decision, stating emphatically "No me gusta!" in a recent interview. In response to his teammate's views on the matter, Bieber was quoted as saying, "Whatchu talkin aboot, eh?". Something appears to be lost in translation between these battle tested teammates. Hopefully the two can get it worked out before their team heads to Madrid on April 27th.

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