Tuesday, May 31, 2011

5 Tips For Not Being An Idiot While Streaking At A Sporting Event

Tip #1: Take some time to choose the time and place for your streak.

If you want to streak effectively, you can't go running naked willy nilly through your average Pirates vs. Nationals game in mid-May. You want to be able to maximize visibility so that the whole world can see your kibbles and bits flopping about. Try and pick a nationally televised game between two top teams during a high point of the season. Make sure to make your break while the cameras are watching and not during some silly television timeout. That is a all too common rookie mistake.

Tip #2: Secure a sponsorship deal beforehand to help cover bail.

While the majority of us consider streaking to be awesome, The Man typically views it as "unsightly". Most streakers end up facing some sort of fine for their actions and that can be a bit of a downer on the whole situation. There is a simple solution to this though: Secure some sort of sponsorship deal beforehand. Selling yourself out while streaking is totally acceptable. Not only is it acceptable, it's just smart. Having to pay bail sucks, so why not get someone else to pony up the greenbacks?


Tip #3: Stretch beforehand to avoid pulling a hamstring.

Once you have ingested enough grain alcohol to provide the proper amount of liquid courage, you want to make sure you do some calisthenics and stretching before trotting out onto the field. While running like a madman (or madwoman), the last thing you want is to pull up lame with a sore hamstring and then get tackled by a bunch of baton wielding security guards. The longer you can outrun your pursuers the more the crowd, nay the world, will love you. Taking five minutes to stretch before your streak will go a long way towards securing ultimate glory.

Tip #4: Streak with a friend.

People at major sporting events love streakers, but you know what they love even more than one streaker? Two of them! Prancing around the field/court/arena is always more fun when you have a best friend to do it with. It will help make the beating you are about to take and the ensuing few hours in booking all the more joyous and exhilarating! Also, doing so halves the number of security personnel chasing you which will likely increase your time to galavant and prance for all of our enjoyment.


Tip #5: Avoid streaking at sporting events where large men in pads are paid to hit people.

Ok this one is pretty self-explanatory. Streaking during sports such as baseball or soccer are a good idea because the athletes participating are a lot less likely to throw caution to the wind to try and stop you. That said, avoid sports such as football at all costs. Football players are wearing large pads and are already very angry due to the copious amount of steroids pulsing to through their veins. These men get paid to hit for a living. You are just another moving target with a big sign that says "Bonus Points" over your head. Don't want to spend the night in the hospital? Easy. AVOID FOOTBALL GAMES.

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