Tuesday, May 17, 2011

El Rumor Mill

My sources tell me...

  • With Phil Jackson and his smirk all but essentially out the door and moved into his bear cave in Montana, the Lakers are on a search for a fearless new leader to take over for a team that just got swept in the Western Conference semifinals by Dirk Nowitzki, Jason Terry, and the diminutive Mr. Miss Universe. The high profile job features numerous interested candidates including Rick Adelman, Brian Shaw, Mike Brown, and Jeff Van Gundy. The nannies from Nanny 911 are also being interviewed for the job, primarily because they were the only ones willing to give Andrew Bynum a spanking if he acts out again.

  • The NBA Draft Lottery is being held tonight, and fourteen anxious teams will be sitting on the edge of their seat waiting for the opportunity to draft first and nab Kyrie Irving out of Duke. The other thirteen teams will be SOL because this draft class sucks more than Miss Hilton did in "One Night in Paris". There are rumors swirling that Lil' Bow Wow might even get a look from some teams.

  • The never ending Cirque de Dumbass that is Chad "Ochocinco" Johnson continued his tour of the United States this weekend when he rode a bull at a Professional Bull Riders Circuit event in Duluth, Georgia. This comes just a few weeks after Chad spent a few days training with Sporting Kansas City of MLS. The logical next step is for Chad to ride a Hamster riding a Capybara at a Target in Pigsknuckle, Arkansas. If that doesn't work out, I am sure he could battle The Pillsbury Dunkboy aka Eddy Curry in some sort of eating contest.

  • We all have days in our life that we will remember and cherish forever, such as our college graduation, 21st birthday, and wedding day. Likewise, there are many we wish could be permanently expunged from memory such as our college graduation, 21st birthday, wedding day, and that time we gave up 14 Earned Runs in 2.3 innings pitched to the Cleveland Indians. Oh wait, that last one didn't happen to you? Guess that sole honor belongs to Vin Mazzaro of the Kansas City Royals. Side Note: This Weeks Sign of the Apocalypse also comes from this game as somehow Kyle Davies, who started the game but only pitched 1/3 of an inning before coming out due to injury, took the L and not Mazzaro. Those damn Italians know how to ruin everything!
  • The Red Devils from Manchester managed to lock up the Premier League title two weekends ago by squeaking out a victory against Chelsea. MUFC will go for Ye Olde Double on May 28th when they take on Barcelona FC for the Champions League Title. If the video below doesn't get you the slightest bit pumped for the upcoming clash, it's probably because your arteries are more clogged than Eddy Curry's. If this is the case, please seek professional medical help immediately.

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