Thursday, June 30, 2011

How To Take A Tour of Manhattan In 26 Minutes


Next time you jaunt off to New York on a little summer vacation, don't waste your time booking hotels in Time Square or squander precious minutes dallying about in Battery Park. Instead, just hire this guy to give you a quick tour of the island. This unnamed man, a member of the Corporate Broadcasting Company (a sort of loosely tied international anarchist collective, think LulzSec minus the computers, attacks on federal agencies and publicity), managed to complete a lap around the entire island (24.48 miles) in 26 minutes and 3 seconds, breaking the previous record of 27 minutes. Here is a map of the route he took:


The unknown man and his band of merry pranksters spent roughly three weeks conducting surveillance and test runs attempting to discern the best time of day and strategies for accomplishing the feat. By their own account, they committed 151 moving violations during the 24.48 miles. The lap was completed in a Saturn Sky convertible.

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

MLB Mid-Season Oddities and Predictions

We are about halfway through the 2011 MLB season, a season that has produced a myriad of surprises thus far:
  • Bartolo Colon is the 2nd best SP on the Yankees. Still holds title as best purveyor of Dunkin Donuts.
  • Twins SP Francisco Liriano threw a no-hitter in which he walked six, struck out two, and came into the game with a 9.63 ERA.
  • Pirates SP Kevin Correia is currently tied for the Major League lead with 10 wins on the season.
  • The San Francisco Giants are twelve games over .500 and leading the NL West, despite having only one player with 200+ AB's batting over .270 (Freddy Sanchez .289 BA).
  • Rangers OF Nelson Cruz joined Willie Mays and Mark McGwire as the only players in MLB history to hit a HR in each of their first four games of the season.
And now, a follow up on some of my predictions I made about the season back on March 31st:

American League

Best Rotation
Preseason Pick: Oakland A's (Gonzalez, Andreson, Braden, Cahill, McCarthy)
Mid-Season Reality: Seattle Mariners (Hernandez, Fister, Vargas, Bedard, Pineda)

Wasn't too far off with my pre-season pick as I would argue that the A's have either the second or third best rotation in the AL, but the Mariners have been a big surprise. Everyone knew Hernandez would be his wunderkind self, but no suspected that from the rest of the rotation. No starting pitcher has an ERA over 3.88 and four of the starters have 3.20 ERA or less.

Best Rookie
Preseason Pick: Jeremy Hellickson, SP, Tampa Bay Rays
Mid-Season Reality: Michael Pineda, SP, Seattle Mariners

This is another one that is pretty damn close. Pineda has been a monster to start the season with a 7-5 record, 2.65 ERA, and 99 K's in just 16 starts. Hellickson isn't too far behind with a 7-7 record, 3.18 ERA, and 66 K's in 15 starts.

Best Chance For A Breakout Year
Preseason Pick: Kila Ka'aihue, 1B, Kansas City Royals
Mid-Season Reality: Alex Avila, C, Detroit Tigers

Alex who? The 24 year old Tigers starting catcher has been having a terrific year, only his second in the majors. He has a .303 BA, 10 HR, and 45 RBI compared to a 2010 full season stat line of .228/7/31.

Best Team That Didn't Make The Playoffs Last Year
Preseason Pick: Boston Red Sox
Mid-Season Reality: Boston Red Sox

This is another close one, as I could see arguments being made for both the Tampa Bay Rays and Cleveland Indians too. However, the Red Sox are so loaded on both offense and defense, it's hard to seem them faltering as the season progresses. As long as Fenway still has that short porch in right field, Adrian Gonzalez will continue to put up MVP numbers.

Best Bet For Cy Young
Preseason Pick: Felix Hernandez, Seattle Mariners
Mid-Season Reality: Jered Weaver, Los Angeles Angels

Pretty easy pick here. Jered is the only starting pitcher in baseball with an ERA under 2.00 and has 116 K's to only 28 BB's in his 17 starts this season. Tigers SP Justin Verlander and Red Sox SP Josh Beckett have also had stellar starts to the 2011 campaign.

National League

Best Rotation
Preseason Pick: Philadelphia Phillies (Hamels, Halladay, Lee, Oswalt, Blanton)
Mid-Season Reality: Philadelphia Phillies (Hamels, Halladay, Lee, Oswalt, Kendrick)

This was probably the easiest mid-season pick to make. The Phillies rotation has been nothing short of spectacular. The three headed monster of Hamels-Halladay-Lee will all likely be duking it out with one another for the Cy Young in the National League. Honorable mention goes to the Pittsburgh Pirates with four starting pitchers with an ERA under 3.80.

Best Rookie
Preseason Pick: Brandon Belt, 1B, San Francisco Giants
Mid-Season Reality: Craig Kimbrel, RP, Atlanta Braves

Wasn't a great start to the season for Belt who saw himself hit under .200 in the first 17 games of the season and shipped down to Fresno to make room for Cody Ross. Kimbrel has been pretty solid for the Braves thus far, saving 22 games while posting a 2.70 ERA and 63 strikeouts in 40 innings pitched.

Best Bet For MVP
Preseason Pick: Albert Pujols, 1B, St. Louis Cardinals
Mid-Season Reality: Matt Kemp, OF, Los Angeles Dodgers

Imagine where the Dodgers would be right now if they didn't have Kemp patrolling the outfield. Kemp has a rare combination of power and speed having already locked down a .332 batting average and 22 HR with 63 RBI to go with 22 stolen bases. However, if Roy Halladay keeps up his impeccable first half, he might be the first starting pitcher to win an MVP since Dennis Eckersley did it with the Oakland A's in 1992.

Best Bet To Hit 50+ HR
Preseason Pick: Mike Stanton, OF, Florida Marlins
Mid-Season Reality: Prince Fielder, 1B, Milwaukee Brewers

We are about halfway through the season and no player in the National League has more than 22 HR, so we may not see ANYONE reach 50 this season. However, if anyone can do it, it's Prince. He currently sits at 21 HR and the confines of Miller Park in Milwaukee are conducive to generating plenty of big fly's.

Best Team That Didn't Make The Playoffs Last Season
Preseason Pick: Colorado Rockies
Mid-Season Reality: Arizona Diamondbacks

While I could have easily handed this title to Fielder, Ryan Braun and the Milwaukee Brewers, what the Diamondbacks have put together in the first half of the season is simply outrageous. The team's payroll is a little less than 2/3 of the Milwaukee Brewers and I guarantee you can't name more than one or two players on the Diamondbacks roster off the top of your head. Starting pitcher Joe Saunders is there highest paid player, earning just a hair over $5 million this season. Justin Upton, Ian Kennedy, and Chris Young have really carried the team in the early going.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Ginger Wannabe Rory McIlroy is Kinda Dating Robyn

Ok, so he may not be dating the actual Swedish pop star, but his girlfriend kinda looks like her. Rory says that he and gf Holly Sweeney have been dating for close to six years. She helps keep him grounded, from infamous meltdowns at Augusta National to runaway U.S. Open Championships.

Holly


Robyn


Holly


Robyn


Holly


Jeez, Holly looks kinda pissed in every photograph of herself on a golf course. Maybe she should date a guy who plays a real sport, like oh I don't know, rugby maybe?

p.s. For the record, Robyn > Holly Sweeney.


The Fight Football League, or Italy's Response to the NFL Lockout

We keep hearing news that the NFL and Players Union continue to grow closer and closer to a new collective bargaining agreement, but until both parties sign on the dotted line, I will remain a pessimist. While the NFL continues its labor strife, a new sport based on ancient rules has been brewing in Italy. The sport is called Fight Football. Loosely based off the ancient Roman sport of Harpastum (to which no one really knows the history or rules), the game combines aspects of rugby, soccer, american football, boxing, and mixed martial arts. The goal of the game is fairly simple: teams of ten players apiece attempt to move a small ball forward and eventually throw it into a small black box to score a goal. Players are allowed to use their hands, feet, and head to advance the ball. Oh I forgot to mention, if you aren't holding on to the ball, you are basically allowed to fight your opponents and attempt to kick the living shit out of them. If a player gets knocked unconscious or is too injured to play anymore, he is removed from the match and the team is forced to play down a man for the remainder of the game. You can kinda see what I mean below:


While the game is based in Italy, teams are starting to spring up all over Europe and into North America. According to the Fight Football League website (which features some pretty hilarious rough Italian-English translations), there is some sort of tournament going on this summer/fall/winter featuring Italy, Poland, England, Ireland, the United States and Canada. My main question is, where do I sign up to represent my country?

Monday, June 27, 2011

Jamie McCourt Kinda Looks Like Fabio With Earrings


Separated at birth?



A List of People/Places/Things Owed Money By The Dodgers


On Monday morning, Frank McCourt and the Los Angeles Dodgers filed for bankruptcy after Bud Selig and Major League Baseball denied their new $235 million television deal with Fox. Selig long feared that the money brought in by the television deal would be siphoned off and used to help pay off Frank's ex-wife Jamie in their divorce proceedings. When the Dodgers filed for bankruptcy, they released the names of a number of players, past and present, and companies that the team owes money. You could basically create an entire starting lineup out of the individuals the team is indebted to. (Note: This does not include ALL of the team's creditors. There are several current and former players left off with credits in the hundreds of thousands to a few millions. I just listed the largest, egregious, and absurd of the listings).
  • Manny Ramirez - $21 million
  • Andruw Jones - $11 million
  • Hiroki Kuroda - $4.83 million
  • Rafael Furcal - $3.7 million
  • Chicago White Sox - $3.5 million
  • Ted Lilly - $3.42 million
  • Kaz Ishii - $3.3 million
  • Juan Uribe - $3.24 million
  • Juan Pierre - $3.05 million
  • Marquis Grissom - $2.7 million
  • Jon Garland - $1.2 million
  • Levy Restaurants - $588k
  • Continental Airlines - $339k
  • Bank of America - $320k
  • KABC AM Radio 790 - $273k
  • City of Los Angeles Office of Finance - $240k
  • Rod Barajas - $200k
  • P2 Promo - $175k
  • Vin Scully - $153k
  • Deloitte Tax LLP - $74k
  • Covington and Burling LLP - $73k
Ok, current players are one thing, and even Manny Ramirez is somewhat acceptable with the deferred payments from his super inflated old contract with the team, but how in the hell do you allow Vin Scully to go unpaid?!?!?!? The man IS the Dodgers. Let's put together a group to buy this team and move on out to Las Vegas.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Jack McKeon is My Hero

Me as Jack McKeon

Jack McKeon is a fucking badass. That is not an exaggeration and there is really no better way to put it. Ever since I was a little kid, the Marlins have always kinda been my favorite team not named the Angels, and hold a special place in my heart. Captain Jack has had a lot to do with that. There are a plethora of reasons why he is awesome, and I will attempt to enumerate a few of them here:

1. He is afraid of nobody.

His first game back with the Marlins, Jack felt that Hanley Ramirez wasn't hustling enough out on the field. A lot of managers might try and coddle their team's star and at worse give them a semi-stern talking too. Not Jack. He don't give a crap about anyone else. He immediately benched Hanley for the rest of that game and the next game. Apparently Hanley got the message. On Tuesday, in his first game back after the benching, McKeon batted Hanley in the cleanup spot for the first time in his career going 2-4 with two runs. The Marlins literally pulled McKeon out of his home in North Carolina to take the reigns of this team. He doesn't have to answer to anybody.

2. He is old, and that in and of itself is hilarious.

Jack McKeon is 80 years old and that is part of what makes him so lovable. He is kinda like everyone's fat, crotchety, old grandpa. In a recent tweet, Marlins OF Logan Morrison mentioned that Jack thought Twitter was a dog's name. Of course he did! He's old! And that is awesome. (Side note: If you don't follow Logan Morrison on Twitter, you really should. Dude is out of his goddamn mind). There are also stories from McKeon's first stint as manager of the Marlins back in the early 2000's of him referring to Luis Castillo as "Juan" and Juan Pierre as "Louie" for an entire season. No one decided to tell him he had the names wrong because it was too hilarious.


3. He knows how to party.

Trader Jack is a man who enjoys the finer things in life. The man smokes cigars in the dugout like a chimney and was known for listing "Wine" as his "Favorite Food" in the Marlins media guides. He just looks like a guy who you could definitely sit down with, pour a few whiskey on the rocks, and chat about god knows what for hours, and have an awesome time in the process. He'd probably try and pull some cheeky prank in the process too.

4. He knows how to win.

Prior to Jack McKeon being hired, the Marlins were mired in a 1-19 slump in the month of June that saw them sink to the bottom of the NL East. This predicament is very similar to the one Jack entered into when he started his first stint managing the Marlins in 2003. At that time, he took over a sub .500 team and turned them into a World Series champion that year by going 75-49 the rest of the way in the regular season. The Marlins have one of the most talented offenses in Major League Baseball, and I think a little bit of the Trader Jack will go a long way towards pulling the team out of the doldrums. Who knows, maybe fat, old McKeon lightning can strike twice.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Civilization Has Reached Its Apex In The Form of Fried Kool-Aid

A fat man in San Diego who goes by the name "Chicken" has unleashed a fried fireball upon us in the form of deep fried Kool-Aid balls. There is literally NOTHING Americans will not attempt to deep fry. When is someone gonna try and deep fry a KFC Double Down? I think I partially clogged one of my arteries just by typing that sentence.

El Rumor Mill - NBA Draft Edition

The NBA draft is only a handful of days away and boy howdy is it shaping up to be a real snoozer! This is easily one of the worst draft classes of all time with no real franchise shaping game changers in sight. However, that doesn't mean that there aren't still plenty of rumors flying around and rumblings about potential trades. I also can never really turn down a chance to publicly mock Eddy Curry.

My sources tell me...

NBA
  • The New York Knicks are apparently scrambling like mad men trying to move up the draft board in order to take BYU product and savior of all mankind Jimmer Fredette. It doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but my guess is that the Knicks would want to use Fredette for much the same reason the Heat snagged Mike Miller, i.e. a scorer that can take some of the shooting pressure off of their two stars. There are a number of problems with this. First, Jimmer is nowhere near as athletic or seasoned as Miller, and drafting Fredette would vehemently violate the NBA's steadfast policy of not allowing non-Euro white players to play outside of Indiana or Utah.

  • Speaking of Jimmer, how easy is it to compare his situation in the NBA with that of Tim Tebow and the NFL? Both are God fearing collegiate legends with a cult following but no one can really decide what position they will play or how they will pan out as a pro. People couldn't decide if Tebow was a quarterback or a tight end, while people can't decide if Jimmer is a point guard or Mark Zuckerberg.
  • Coming off of their loss in the NBA finals to the Mavericks, I expect Pat Riley and the Heat to try and add some front court size and depth with their only pick at #32 (first pick in the second round). The Heat had a glaring weakness at the center position all season, and got so desperate that they went as far as to waste a few hours back in May working out Eddy Curry. However, this is an extremely weak draft for centers, and the Heat may eventually be forced to try and bring in a guy like Curry to help on the front line, but only after they spend the summer reinforcing the floorboards at American Airlines Arena to cope with the added weight of his immensely fat ass.

  • One thing that this draft is definitely not lacking is international players. The 2011 NBA draft saw a large influx of international players declare, due in large part to the particularly weak crop of collegiate players making their services available. Enes Kanter (Turkey), Jonas Valanciunas (Lithuania), Jan Vesely (Czech Republic), Bismack Biyombo (Congo), Donatas Motiejunas (Lithuania), Nikola Mirotic (Serbia), and Davis Bertans (Latvia) are all likely to go in the first round and certain to have names that will be very funny to watch Charles Barkley try and pronounce.

  • Some of you may have heard the name Jeremy Tyler before. Tyler was an excellent prep prospect that thought college wasn't for him. After originally committing to the University of Louisville in 2008, Tyler later retracted his commitment and decided to forgo his senior year of high school and college altogether in order to sign a contact with European powerhouse Maccabi Haifa in Israel in 2009. At the time, Tyler claimed he was doing it to show the NBA and NCAA were straight up meanies for their institutionalized policy of not allowing super awesome amazing high school players like himself to enter straight into the draft. Tyler would go on to have a stellar career with Haifa that lasted all of ten games and saw him average 2.1 ppg (He would leave the team after his tenth game because he was "homesick"). Tyler spent 2010 playing with Japanese pro league team Tokyo Apache, where he averaged a more respectable 9.9 ppg and 6.4 rpg. Now, Tyler is finally old enough to enter the NBA draft and will likely be a late first round or early second round product. Here is a video from a recent post-workout Tyler had with the Portland media where he had no idea who Trail Blazers head coach Nate McMillan was and even oddly asked, "What college is that?" Stay in school kids. You'll thank me later.

Top 3 Canadian Rappers of All Time

Drake


Snow


Brad Marchand



Friday, June 17, 2011

Places I Want To Visit Before I Die - Salar de Uyuni, Bolivia

The largest salt flat in the world is located here in Salar de Uyuni, right at the crest of the Andes Mountains in southern Bolivia. During the rainy season, the water settles on to the salt flat, turning it into one gigantic mirror, creating the "infinity effect". The area also features some very unique architecture, including a number of hotels that are built entirely out of salt blocks from the flat.





Thursday, June 16, 2011

Top 5 Cable TV Shows That Need To Start Airing New Episodes NOW


#1 - The Walking Dead

Fuck. Yes. The only thing that sucked about the first season of The Walking Dead was that it was only six episodes long. Frank Grimes and co. will be returning soon with a thirteen episode season that is set to debut in October of this year. The show is driven by an outstanding ensemble cast and robust plot lines. Rumor has it that Stephen King will be writing one of the episodes in season two.


#2 - Mad Men

Thank God AMC and Matthew Weiner were finally able to come to terms on a deal. The fifth season of Mad Men will finally air in March of 2012, a whole 17 month since the last episode aired in October 2010. While the fourth season took a bit of a dip when compared with its predecessors, it was rather interesting to see the show's writers and creators explore the darker side of many of its characters. As long as they keep the booze flowing in the office, I am sure everything will be fine.


#3 - Shameless

The American remix of the BAFTA award winning show definitely did not disappoint in its first season. Another brilliantly assembled ensemble cast featuring William H. Macy, Joan Cusack, and a bunch of no names, Shameless has been able to blend slapstick humor with some pretty biting and intense drama. Macy is decent as drunken oaf Frank, roaming around from bar to bar in the Chicago slums, but Emmy Rossum (Fiona) and Cameron Monaghan (Ian) are the characters that kept me coming back for more. Season two has been ordered and will likely air in late 2011 or early 2012.


#4 - Weeds

Should the show probably have ended about two or three seasons ago? Yes. Has Andy basically been the one saving grace of the show the past few years? Yes. Is Mary-Louise Parker still a drop dead gorgeous super hottie? Yes. At this point, I just want to see how it all ends. The first few seasons were so good, back when Weeds was truly about the doldrums of life in the suburbs. Once season four and Mexico became involved, everything just started to turn wacky and break away from what had made the show so great. That being said, I am still excited to see what will hopefully be the show's last season. It premieres on June 27th.


#5 - Curb Your Enthusiasm

Thankfully, Curb is another show that I won't have to wait much longer for, as the eighth season is set to premier in early July. Larry David can do no wrong. He is as funny, witty, and cynical as ever. I liked the whole Seinfeld reunion arc from last season, and for awhile, I had thought Larry and Curb might exit softly into the night after that season ended. Thankfully it has not. I have a major pants tent going for the eighth season. Should be a blast.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

The Cast of The League Makes an NFL Lockout PSA


Recent leaks from talks between the NFL and the Players Association are showing that the two sides could be closing in on a deal that would bring joy and happiness back to our hearts in the form of a full 2011 season. I am gonna go ahead and assume that this progress can be attributed to this new public service announcement released by the cast of The League. The NFL won't listen to us, the fans, but they will listen to fictional characters from an awesome television show.

Moment of Zen


High For This - The Weeknd

xoxo

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

The New Mountain West Logo Is Stupid


Wow, major downgrade for the Mountain West Conference. There is literally nothing mountain-y or western-y about this logo. It is dull. It is boring. I guess this is what happens when three of your power houses (TCU, Nevada, and Fresno St.) bolt for greener pastures. Hey, at least now you got Hawaii!

Sad Canucks Fan is Sad Because Roberto Luongo is Terrible

Another Stanley Cup playoff game in Boston, another shit show of a meltdown by Roberto Luongo. The 'Nucks goalie channeled El Matador by deftly allowing three goals to pass within the first eight minutes of the game. At that point, he was swiftly relieved of his duties and replaced by Cory Schneider. These finals have shown two very different sides of Luongo. At home, he is a stalwart and impenetrable net minder. On the road, the Bruins pepper him early and often, which seems to keep him rattled and off kilter. Hopefully Roberto can pick up the pieces for game 7 in Vancouver, or else Sad Canuck Fan will continue to be uber depressed :-/

However, rumor has it that when a Canadian team wins something, all their fans instantly turn into super hotties. I'm pretty sure it has something to do with the northern lights. Anyway, we should all root for Vancouver because Canadian hotties are better than Boston beezies.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Macy's and the Miami Herald Must Have Missed Game 6


Congratulations are in store for the Miami Heat!!! After losing game 6, they are now officially NBA Champions!!! Er, wait. Losing four games means you DON'T win the title?!?! Uh oh. Pictured above is a Macy's advertisement that ran in this morning's Miami Herald congratulating the team on winning the NBA title and picturing a number of Heat championship memorabilia. How this happened is simply beyond me? I could maybe understand it a little bit more if the Heat would actually have clinched the series had they won game 6, but that wasn't even the case. Had they won, they still would have been a game short. I really, really hope that Mark Cuban is behind this somehow. One last twist of the knife before officially burying the Heat's season.

The Mavs Decided To Party Last Night For Some Reason

Mark Cuban and his band of merry men decided to do a wee bit of celebrating after their series clinching game 6 victory over the Miami Heat on Sunday night. They partied it up at Club Liv in South Beach, reportedly ordering 100 bottles of Rosé champagne, including a gold plated magnum bottle that was worth a reported $80,000. The pictures below make it seem like it really wasn't all that big of a rager at all.






Sunday, June 12, 2011

El Rumor Mill

My sources tell me...

MLB
  • Word came out this week that Major League Baseball is considering a realignment scenario that would move one team from the National League to the American and dissolve the divisional format, thus creating two large divisions of fifteen teams apiece. The most likely team to switch leagues would be the Houston Astros, who currently hold the worst record in all of MLB at 24-42. People in Houston seemed ecstatic at the news of the potential shift, more so because it helped to remind the people of Houston that they actually still have a team.

  • Bartolo Colon recently hit the New York Yankees DL for the first time this season with a strained hamstring. The Yankees will have to scour their farm system in order to fill the void left by the 275 lb. starting pitcher, or they could just go out and hire Eddy Curry. I'm pretty sure his fat ass is not busy doing anything.
College Football

  • It appears that Terrell Pryor is now out of the college game AND out of a car. Here is a photo of his Nissan being towed away from a Columbus, Ohio hot spot known as Buckeye Donuts. Pryor would later be seen on a Columbus Metro Transit Authority bus burying his sadness in a box of a dozen maple twists and bear claws. Tragedy and depression never tasted so good!
NBA
  • There are about two minutes left in game 6 of the NBA finals, and the Mavericks are currently up by 10. If there were any more time or any less of a lead, I would consider what I am about to do to be jinxing the team. With that said, congrats to the 2011 NBA champion Dallas Mavericks. While I am glad to see the Heat go down in flames, I also hate to see this man hoist an NBA title trophy.
  • Due to the injury that Brandon Haywood sustained earlier in the series, Brian "The Custodian" Cardinal has been logging some solid minutes and finished with a +/- of +18 in series clinching game 5 of the finals. Waste Management, Swiffer, and Rubbermaid are all jockeying for position trying to line up an endorsement deal with the power forward. Eat your heart out Brian Scalabrine!
Soccer
  • Earlier this weekend, the Vancouver Whitecaps FC and Seattle Sounders of MLS faced off in a great Northwest battle. Vancouver has not had an easy go of it in their first year in the league, as they currently sit in the basement of the Western Conference. However, this goal by Eric Hassli might give fans a gleaming white flicker of hope.

Friday, June 10, 2011

Soccer, Koalas, and Rock n' Roll

This has to be literally the strangest video I have ever seen in my life. I never thought it would be possible for a koala to seem dark and terrifying, but this has definitively proved me wrong. This video comes from middling La Liga club Getafe FC, who just finished a pretty pitiful 2010-11 campaign, but managed to avoid relegation. I think the video is supposed to be some convoluted and distorted euphemism for tomorrow is another day, the sun will rise again yadda yadda yadda. My Spanish is not terribly good, and the video basically depicts a down and out Getafe fan being serenaded by a drunk and suicidal koala. I am just so utterly terrified and confused. Is this supposed to make Getafe supporters excited about what is to come? The team was recently bought by a group of investors based in Dubai for roughly 90 million Euro. Looks like they've really gotten off on the right foot with this video. Best of luck to you Getafe. You crazy, sick bastards.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

ESPN Thinks Cam Newton Couldn't Cut It In Canada


During my usual lunchtime perusing of ESPN, I found this little beauty buried deep down in the bottom right hand corner of their homepage. Is ESPN predicting the future downfall of JaMarcus Russell 2.0 aka Diaper Dandy Cam Newton, or is it a simple editorial mistake in a story about Terrell Pryor's reluctance to play football in Canada, eh? I am really, really hoping that it is the former and some geek tech intern at ESPN used this as their opportunity to mock Newton for all the world to see. As of 1:05 pm PST, it was still up on the homepage. With any luck, it will stay there forever.

Deep Space Nine Has Landed in Cupertino


Sadly, Ferengi bartenders not included. Claiming that Apple is "growing like a weed" and in need of an expansion of office space, Steve Jobs made a presentation to the City Council of Cupertino on Tuesday for the development of a new Dunkin Donut/spacecraft shaped building that would hold nearly 12,000 employees. Not only is Mr. Jobs thinking grandiose with his megaplex, he is also thinking green. According to the plans that Jobs laid out at the City Council meeting, the campus would cover 150 acres, 80% of which would be landscaped. Furthermore, the building would have its own built-in energy center and be largely self-sustaining in terms of power. If all goes according to plan, Jobs and co. would break ground on the work site early next year with the building opening and being fully operational by 2015.

Deep Space Nine


Proposed New Apple Headquarters

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Moment of Zen - Stacy's Mom STILL Has It Goin' On


"Stacy's Mom" - Fountains of Wayne

Nothing says Tuesday quite like a little throwback jam to 2003.

R.I.P. - Shrek the Sheep Dies, The World Mourns


New Zealand is known for many things. Maori culture, numerous volcanoes, and the Flight of the Conchords are all beautiful symbols of the proud island nation. However, all of those pale in comparison to the New Zealand icon that was Shrek the Sheep. Shrek gained fame in 2004 when he was found after evading being sheared by farmers for six years. Shrek had alluded muster by hiding in caves and scavenging for food. When he was found, his fleece weighed roughly 60 lbs. and had enough wool to design up to twenty full suits. The sheep would later embark on a tour of the country, stopping at parliament to meet Prime Minister Helen Clark in May of 2004, and celebrating his 10th birthday by being shorn on an iceberg off the coast of Dunedin. Those quirky New Zealanders sure known how to honor greatness! Sadly, Shrek was put down by veterinarians yesterday at the ripe old age of 16. He will be missed.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

The Greatest Goal From The Worst Soccer Match I've Ever Watched


Earlier this morning, I wasted a solid hour of my life by watching the Real Madrid All-Stars beat the Bayern Munich All-Stars 8-3 in the Corazon Classic. The Corazon Classic is an exhibition that pits Real against other major European Club in order to raise money for their "Juntos Por Africa" charity. The game featured a bunch of fat, old, retired players from both of the clubs sprinkled in with a few former stars, such as Zinedine Zidane. Everything about the game was laughable. The refereeing, defense and overall effort was all atrocious and very typical of your average exhibition affair. However, there was one saving grace in the form of this nice little goal from Bayern alum Paulo Sergio. Una bicicleta fantastico!

Friday, June 3, 2011

The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!


A few weeks ago, I posted a bunch of statistics about THM readership and the locations of what countries generate the greatest amount of traffic on the blog. The statistics showed that the beautiful and glorious nation of Malaysia was my #1 fan behind the good ole US of A. In the weeks since then, the international battle for my love and affection has really started to heat up. Since that post was published, international traffic on ye olde blog has soared across the board, but nowhere more precipitously than the United Kingdom. Denmark, Australia, the Ukraine, Italy, and Singapore have also seen meteoric rises up the leader board. Can Malaysia maintain the top spot or will the Redcoats claim top dog? Tune in next month to find out. For now, just sit back and enjoy this video of kids beating the crap out of each other at a pee wee lacrosse match.


Thursday, June 2, 2011

Sink the Bismark! and Other Tales from BrewDog

I believe the majority of us can agree with the simple statement that beer is good. It can get you drunk on the cheap (Keystone, Natty Light, Simpler Times), drunk on the delicious (2011 Sweet, Sweet Beer 16 Champ Fat Tire, Newcastle, Blue Moon), or drunk on America (Budweiser, Coors Light, whatever other shitty domestic beer fat people drink in Dallas). However, the drunk process typically takes a while to develop due to beers' relatively low average alcohol content, which hovers around 5%. This stumbling block means that it often takes drinking a prodigious number of beers in order to get drunk. This carries a number of unintended consequences such as frequent trips to the restroom (unless you are still in college where it is "cool" to hold your piss as long as possible so you don't "break the seal") as well as return trips to CVS because two thirty racks were not enough to last you and your friends for the evening. The fine brewmasters at BrewDog now have a solution to this problem. These fine British gentlemen have created three beers with alcohol contents north of 18%.

Tokyo* Aged Stout (18.2% alcohol by volume)




Tactical Nuclear Penguin Imperial Stout (32% alcohol by volume)




Sink The Bismark IPA (41% alcohol by volume)



Needless to say, the BrewDog website is where I plan on eventually setting up my wedding registry.