Me as Jack McKeon
Jack McKeon is a fucking badass. That is not an exaggeration and there is really no better way to put it. Ever since I was a little kid, the Marlins have always kinda been my favorite team not named the Angels, and hold a special place in my heart. Captain Jack has had a lot to do with that. There are a plethora of reasons why he is awesome, and I will attempt to enumerate a few of them here:
1. He is afraid of nobody.
His first game back with the Marlins, Jack felt that Hanley Ramirez wasn't hustling enough out on the field. A lot of managers might try and coddle their team's star and at worse give them a semi-stern talking too. Not Jack. He don't give a crap about anyone else. He immediately benched Hanley for the rest of that game and the next game. Apparently Hanley got the message. On Tuesday, in his first game back after the benching, McKeon batted Hanley in the cleanup spot for the first time in his career going 2-4 with two runs. The Marlins literally pulled McKeon out of his home in North Carolina to take the reigns of this team. He doesn't have to answer to anybody.
2. He is old, and that in and of itself is hilarious.
Jack McKeon is 80 years old and that is part of what makes him so lovable. He is kinda like everyone's fat, crotchety, old grandpa. In a recent tweet, Marlins OF Logan Morrison mentioned that Jack thought Twitter was a dog's name. Of course he did! He's old! And that is awesome. (Side note: If you don't follow Logan Morrison on Twitter, you really should. Dude is out of his goddamn mind). There are also stories from McKeon's first stint as manager of the Marlins back in the early 2000's of him referring to Luis Castillo as "Juan" and Juan Pierre as "Louie" for an entire season. No one decided to tell him he had the names wrong because it was too hilarious.
3. He knows how to party.
Trader Jack is a man who enjoys the finer things in life. The man smokes cigars in the dugout like a chimney and was known for listing "Wine" as his "Favorite Food" in the Marlins media guides. He just looks like a guy who you could definitely sit down with, pour a few whiskey on the rocks, and chat about god knows what for hours, and have an awesome time in the process. He'd probably try and pull some cheeky prank in the process too.
4. He knows how to win.
Prior to Jack McKeon being hired, the Marlins were mired in a 1-19 slump in the month of June that saw them sink to the bottom of the NL East. This predicament is very similar to the one Jack entered into when he started his first stint managing the Marlins in 2003. At that time, he took over a sub .500 team and turned them into a World Series champion that year by going 75-49 the rest of the way in the regular season. The Marlins have one of the most talented offenses in Major League Baseball, and I think a little bit of the Trader Jack will go a long way towards pulling the team out of the doldrums. Who knows, maybe fat, old McKeon lightning can strike twice.