Tuesday, July 26, 2011

El Rumor Mill

My sources tell me...

  • I HAVE URGENT AND BREAKING NEWS: FANTASY FOOTBALL IS BACK! On Monday morning, the fantasy football games featured on the websites ESPN, CBS Sportsline, and Yahoo! reached an agreement with nerds across American on a new 10 year collective bargaining agreement that will secure another decade of inane trash talking and asinine trade proposals amongst friends. Kansas City Chiefs linebacker Tamba Hali was quoted as saying, "This deal means a lot to us players. Now we finally have something to play for. This is a great day for us".

  • Negotiations with draft picks and free agents officially began this morning, and a number of undrated rookies have already signed on with teams including former U. Delaware QB Pat Devlin (Miami Dolphins) and Boston College LB and cancer survivor Mark Herzlich (New York Giants). The NFL has also already made a big splash signing, inking Eddy Curry to a four year deal to replace the Goodyear Blimp as fly over entertainment during games.

  • A number of teams will have QB drama heading into the new season, but none may be more absurd than the predicament in Cincinnati with Carson Palmer. Palmer has dug in his heals, demanding a trade from the Bengals, stating that he would rather retire than play for the team again. Bengals owner Mike Brown has routinely denied Carson's demands, stating that if Palmer wants to walk away from the $40 million remaining on his contract, retirement is his only option. This situation reminds me a lot of the showdown at the O.K. Corral, except replace guns and cowboys with caviar and douche bags.
  • It's late July and that means it's time for the MLB trade stove to turn on the afterburners. One of the hottest names on the market right now is New York Mets outfielder Carlos Beltran, who is hitting the cover off the ball right now and has been steadily improving offensively as the season progresses. Beltran has credited his revival this season, at the age of 34, to better offseason conditioning and his new bff Victor Conte. Here is a picture of Beltran showing off his bod at a recent post-game press conference:
  • Another name that has been bountied about on the trade market lately is Oakland A's outfielder Coco Crisp. Crisp has been having a fairly productive year batting .270 with 27 stolen bases already. One of the teams in hottest pursuit of Coco has been the Boston Red Sox, not so much because they need another outfielder, but because the "Dice-K Loves Coco" headlines are just too easy and good to pass up.
I wonder if these two will have Titty Tuesday and Thong Thursday on their Twitter too. Spicy!!
  • The Seattle Mariners have now lost 16 games in a row but they play in Seattle so no one seems to have really noticed and/or cared.
  • The NBA lockout has afforded players a lot of free time this offseason to hang out and experiment with local rec leagues and overseas options. For instance, Deron Williams has already inked a deal with Besiktas of Turkey should the lockout last long and Kevin Durant and Brandon Jennings have both spent part of the summer playing in L.A.'s Drew League. Other players, such as the Philadelphia 76er's Spencer Hawes, have spent their summer experimenting with bad haircuts:

  • It's summertime which means many major European teams are starting to kick off their pre-season exhibition games against competition from all over the world. Teams such as Barcelona, Real Madrid, Manchester City, Everton and Manchester United have toured around the United States and other places to help get new players integrated into systems and to get fit for the upcoming season. New Arsenal defender Carl Jenkinson made a tremendous first impression on his teammates by scoring this mind bogglingly impressive own goal in a exhibition against Bundesliga side FC Koln. Arsene must be so proud of his young lad!

p.s. This is The Hinrich Maneuver's 200th blog post. I just want to thank everyone for humoring me and taking the time to read this asinine drivel every once in awhile. It makes me happy in the pants region. I love you all....especially you Malaysia!! :-*

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